2026 Initial Update

Haven't written much these past months on my blogs. Yes, I do have more than one. For this domain, it's about random personal experiences. In another, it's about movies or dramas I've watched. I haven't updated that one as well.

The past quarter of the past year was quite bumpy with frequent hiccups and mostly trying to stay around. I'm still trying to figure out how to cheat my way out should I experience that again, which I pray I don't anymore. It's still vivid in my head the memories of that night when I had to squeeze out reasons not to give in.

Thankfully, I am in better headspace these past weeks. And that reminds me and makes me wonder if there were traces of that abyss residue when my 中医 医生 checked on me.

I should update more often.

Now Playing: Zeng Keni & Du Zhiwen - Falling You

Losing and Finding + TAPE:RE LOAD Manila

These quarter is giving that sense of getting lost, and also getting found. As always, it's just a matter of perspective.

An offer was presented to me last month. As I am a noob in this endeavour, I am taking the trust fall. But bloody effing hell, I am not sure if I should take a U-turn. I am not going to point any finger  to anyone. I am owning every decision I make, the good and the bad. This is just a new path I am taking and I am not sure how to carry on this accountability.

With all these things wearing my mind, I am just thankful that I attended Jay B's first solo concert this year. And I get to do so with a batchmate. Really grateful. Because TAPE:RE LOAD Manila was a blast. And I actually thought Filo Ahgases/Beomies could've done better. One thing is for sure though. Everyone's having a PCD.

As for me, I am picking pieces of myself to rebuild things and make sense of this life this year, so far. And as always, I am preparing myself for a journey of solitude and abandonment.

Now Playing: Up Dharma Down - Paagi

2024. Year End Thoughts, part 2

These past days have brought me roller coaster of emotions. I'm honestly having a hard time mastering them. And since yesterday I think, I've been preoccupied with a particular recurrence. Today felt like a standstill because I know I'm not in my right mind concerning this preoccupation, thus I need to soothe myself.

But my troubles have been too persistent that I even thought of a date to execute something. And such date is not too far ahead. And when I wondered why I chose that date, I could only think of anger and grief. I'm too angry with my recent decisions and actions that I want to severely punish myself. As for grief, it's because I've been asking and praying for something related to that day yet it remains stuck on me. Or rather, I am stuck with something I've been praying for God to take away. It scares me and brings me great sorrow yet it lingers that I thought it'd be best to take things into my hands and remove what I have real control of.

I was close to finalizing a decision this afternoon, even if it's not that date. But I remembered GOT7's comeback.

January 20, 2025. It's their second comeback since leaving JYPE, and the first after JJ Project completed their mandatory civil service. I don't want to miss that comeback.

How amazing that for the nth time, GOT7 is the reason I have to stay alive. Though the previous times were because of individual members. I remember when I processed BamBam for his Departure formalities, I felt reborn. Alive and energetic. Amusing how personally relatable his RIBBON song has become.

So yes. I have to stay literally alive for and until GOT7 comeback next month.

Now Playing: GOT7 - Ecplise

2024. Year End Thoughts, part 1

2024. What a year! It flew so fast. I can still vividly remember our team's Christmas Party last year. And now I'm about to prepare auditing this year.

Tomorrow I am scheduled for another one-on-one with my mentor. Truth be told, I've been feeling anxious about this meeting, even before I asked him for the appointment. Year-end evaluation has always been one of those things that trigger my cortisol. But I have to face it. I need to know from an objective third party source how I have progressed since last year.

Hey! I should be grateful. I now have a third party source to help me evaluate myself. TYL!

This year has been a roller coaster. But that simply means I have been alive; that I lived this year. And that also means I made it up to this moment alive.

I wonder how 2024 has been with other people. What are the new things in their lives?  I'm talking about growth. Are they still hoping or complaining about the same things? I'm quite curious to know.

Burning

These days have been driving me crazy. There are things I want but couldn't pursue as the primary and basic pre-requisite is missing. I could barely "feel" still because of it. It's a tug of war between being still and acting on faith.

As a person of faith, I am fully aware that things happen with the Lord's permission. So for that we can rest with hope and peace. And yet, it is equally important to remember that faith without works is dead. Faith does not equate to laziness. Far from it!

A lot of times I would wonder how much am I missing out because I haven't gone the extra mile, or because I am not even doing the bare minimum..

Tasukete kudasai.

Poor Mindset Trait: Ungratefulness

There are a lot of qualities that can be described for someone with poor mindset. That person doesn't have to be in terrible lack. And most of the time, that's the case.

I've realized that ungratefulness is one of the traits of someone with poor mindset. For sure, the good LORD has provided us with at least something to meet one of our needs. And I stick with my firm belief on the parable of talents.

If we can't be trusted with little things, how can we be trusted with bigger things?

I recently encountered such example. Perhaps this person grew up with or was raised by someone the same... Concerned for this person's well being, I asked what he had *toot* the previous day. He said he had none. When I asked why, he said because there's nothing to make for *toot*. And I was surprised that he indeed got such mentality from the person who raised him. I was also surprised because  there was this and that and some of those. All he had to do was gather them and make something out of them.

Still in wonder, I asked what he wanted to *toot* and was told he wanted this. Deep inside my first thought was, "You are already poor and yet you are still being choosy." It wasn't the first time this happened. And it happened a number of times when he was with the person who raised him. Nurture vs. Nature. Imagine if both were present at the same time.

Sometimes we want bread, but we only have some flour and salt. Or maybe we want rice but what we have are other grains. And because they're not what we particularly look for, we don't make a move. We don't make do of what we have.

Thinking of this recent encounter, I got to think what do I have right here and right now with me that I can use to meet the things I need and want? I pray I too am not being ungrateful to the LORD by taking things for granted, by being unfaithful with whatever little I have.

Stewards. That's what we are.

Now Playing: Joshua Aaron, Nizar Francis, Shilo Ben Hod - Gadol Elohai

Saturday

The sun hasn't even risen yet but I already encountered Murphy's Law. And yet again in the afternoon. It was so annoying. But I had to deal with it. Such encounters were all my fault, unfortunately.

Thankfully, I saw my 3 favourite car brands. Number one even showed up twice. I feel like God has redeemed this day. And for that I feel at peace and grateful.

Now Playing: BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko

Wednesday Thoughts

For some reason I find fulfillment at the thought that I've done some laundry today, both having a new or recent batch and putting away those I had two days ago. I wonder why but finding oneself responsible for a task or two gives a different kind of peace of mind.

Because the truth is, right now my mind is going haywire for the lack of structure. I need to get things done but I can't seem to do it properly. I can't even get started. I've been too preoccupied with something and I really, really want to seal that goal. Please, LORD.

By the way, I am really satisfied with how my hair has been behaving since after taking a shower. I hope I can keep this style at work, and maybe during business meetings. And with that I want to keep growing my hair. I think it's been healthy enough lately that I can avoid the bruha look. But then there's hairfall. Perhaps it's because of stress. I should add more collagen in my diet.

Right now I am thinking of pressing my clothes. There's just a lot in my head. My goodness..
- Exercise and workout. Gym enrollment, perhaps?
- BYOB. Let's save money and guarantee healthy meals
- T.A. I need to submit it this Saturday!!
- Medical certificate
- Professional consultation
- Wisdom teeth extraction
- Dental consult
- Going solo HMO?
- Personal style
- New space. Studio or room with common CR & kitchen?
- Finances
- Business, of course. Definitely!

With all these thoughts, no wonder it's quite a challenge for me to gain weight. But the mass I want is muscle. Definitely need to keep the ones I have, maintain them, and add more. My body fat percentage has been freaking me out.

Now Playing: YUI - Good-bye Days

7 or 8

I can't count the time when I would want to leave for a very long time. I've always thought that isolation and keeping distance would help me heal. And yet every time I would want to, I would be pulled back in. Whether for filial piety or some supernatural intervention, I end up staying.

Random: I am at a cafe atm and how I wish I brought some pika-pika. Those sunflower seeds, plum candies, and dates would be nice to nibble.

I pray I'd be able to do what I am supposed to in this lifetime. I woke up today and so there's still something I have to accomplish.

Now Playing: Chris Tomlin - Your Grace is Enough

Murphy's Law

I am drowning with all these troubles. I could think of a bit of help, but I couldn't get everything I need. At the same time I am wondering, why. Why am I still breathing, seeing another day, and keep on living?

Of course, I know not the answer to these things. So I can only thank God for allowing me to live another day. But I am scared. I am worried.

Wondering until when this will go on, I can only wish to live each day as someone making sure not to waste Earth space. If I could ask God to turn back time, I would and I'd turn it back before all these started. I don't know if redemption will come unto me, but I wish God would be merciful to redeem me. I need that so much. I need His salvation.

I do not wish to trouble anyone, so I pray I could trouble God to look at me with kindness and mercy. I pray He would save me once again.

Now Playing: Aimer - Ref:rain

Lost

The past days and those to come are like the weather these days. Dark and gloomy.

I've been trying to find the reason to be excited again. But it's not easy. What's more difficult is the fact that I could not just do as I wish. Though I would like to say I have no one, that's not true. Someone watches over me, but He has been too silent. Silent in a way that He works in unseen ways. I could only take the next visible step ahead of me.

I still feel burdened with no idea how to protect those around me. How can I even actually protect myself and keep my integrity? How am I to continue fulfilling my filial duty? How am I to play this role given me at birth? And where do I go from here?

Now Playing: Jackson Wang - Drive You Home (acoustic version)

Scared

I'm scared. I don't know how to navigate this life anymore. Been feeling abandoned these past weeks. If it wasn't for one particular person who took pity on me, I would've probably surrendered and succumbed into the abyss.

I'm scared. I don't know if I'm still doing things right. If I am still doing the right thing. I'm scared that I don't know where to go. And I don't know how to take the steps. And I don't know who to ask for help.

I'm scared I'd totally give up on hope. I'm scared I'd do crazy things, ones that would bring bad reputation to others.

I'm scared I might not be able to keep on living. Existing, yes. But to live and be alive, I don't know anymore. I feel so trapped... in a family only because they are blood kins, in a workplace only because I have no other option. And the one I've been hoping to help me out isn't kicking off, neither is it being actually profitable right now. I feel trapped in a place because God keeps me in.

I am scared to move because despite knowing where to go, the roads are just messy. And whenever the way gets better, nothing leads anywhere.

I am scared to know that I am here on earth only to pay other people's debts, to suffer in their behalf, or to suffer with them. I'm afraid that I might no longer know myself.

I'm scared I'm actually missing out on my potential. Everyone sure does have it, but I feel like I've been cursed to  reach mine. I'm scared I can't fight my way out of this.

I'm scared I might go back abandoning reason and my personal values, my faith. I'm scared that even if I want to and try to leave this earth again, I might not succeed like before. And I'm scared if I do succeed, it will leave questions that won't do any good to an institution that is so good. And I don't want to leave yet without paying what I owe.

I'm afraid I can't die yet and will have to suffer for another long time.

I'm afraid I'd totally forget that God is good and has always been good to me.

Now Playing: Rosi Golan - You and I

Unwell

I'm not sure if the reason I am not feeling well lately is pathological or stressed-induced. As we know, stress does shit to our well being and causes compromised immune system. So right now my left nostril is currently bothered with some drips, a.k.a. snot. Lol. At first I thought it was just the cold but it got persistent even until I got home and when I woke up today.

Speaking of stress, I'm not sure how much has been brought into my system when I found out about something. It was not really stress-stress but I was bothered with what happened. I almost lost something important but someone came to my rescue. And for days I didn't know the details. It was like a miracle. Though such still exists, God uses people to carry it out. So when I finally found out, I was totally surprised. Because why bother?

And what came after was witnessing two people's true colours. Someone, once again, showed up someone after recognition. I think to deal with this person, it's got to be something out in the open. Meanwhile, the other one is sincere. Unexpectedly generous.

Despite not liking the first one for things I've experienced, even from before, there is no condemnation. I only have to be cautious, and/or maybe be more profitable. Perhaps I could come close if such were the case.

Right now I am still feeling unwell. The snot is getting tolerable. There's always tissue. But the mental and emotional stress are really weighing me down. I don't know where and how to get started, or go back on track. 

They said that, "When the why is clear, the how is easy." But I just don't know. The how is fine, but the where is becoming more challenging. If it wasn't for this someone particular who came to my rescue, I'd feel so abandoned. And it's not because of what was done, but rather more of someone's thoughtfulness in doing it.

The burden feels lighter.

And I want to do better. For the sake of what that someone has done for me. For the sake of that person's belief in me. The feeling of abandonment I felt over this weekend because of someone, on top of the other abandoned occasions even from other people, has become negligible. It's easy to dismiss them.

I just pray I can repay someone who came to my rescue. And I pray to be able to do better, to have the strength to carry on these coming days, and have the drive, at least, to live. To actually live and not just exist. I still don't know how to be excited when I am surrounded with those who have burdened my heart.

At least there's God. For all the questions bothering me about His intent on my whereabouts, I am at ease knowing what had happened last week. And I got surprises yesterday. There is hope.

I am too burdened and unwell with my situation at home and outside. It's easier to let go and just obey God. At the end of the day, my accountability is before Him.

Now Playing: Sanctus Real - Confidence

Hiccup

I recently discovered a hiccup, a misfortune, and a mishap for what I was aiming. Mea culpa, I know. But I wonder how I ended up there. It was like my hopes were lifted up high only to be pulled below sea level. And yet I can't really complain. I do question, but I can't be upset about it. I can only feel bad for the wrong move I made. And I'm not sure what these things are for.

In another area of my life, there I am bothered why I have to take someone's burdens. I've been accused of something for my lack of "gentleness" when talking to them. Bound by Asian and Christian values, I could not answer back and say, "What makes you think I talk better to other people? And why are you expecting me to talk so nicely with you?" I don't even know what "nicely" is. I rarely talk with these people, for on their end are usually excuses. I'm just tired. I'm so tired. Too bad I can't bid adieu even if I want to. I tried before, but the heavens won't let me.

I no longer know what I am here for. I am just holding on to the truth of God's characters. For one, He is faithful for everything He said. If He wasn't, I would've preferred to be dead, and I would actually be dead a long time ago.

Now Playing: Chris Tomlin - God of this City

The Fox

I stumbled upon this post and it just wouldn't leave my mind. Although what it suggests is contrary to my personal belief, that is to always choose to forgive, I understand what it means. Personally, I could only think of one person who is a "fox" in my life.

That fox was actually the first one I thought of reading this. For this fox took a lot from me and it still wants more. For the longest time, I saw no remorse from the fox. Perhaps because no one reprimanded the fox. Or maybe the fox was simply feeling entitled for being this person's _____.

How unfair.

Just recently, the fox asked me for something because it was feeling ___. I was partly at fault, but the way the fox asked from me was as if it was entirely my responsibility and obligation to keep it alive.

It's not the first time this fox asked from me this way. During such times I wanted to ask, "Are you my responsibility? Am I really obliged to attend to your needs?"

Yeah, how can we feel obliged to meet other people's need/s if such people don't even make any effort to meet their needs?

Now Playing: Zed-X - Someone

Tu Me Manques

I miss living alone. I miss unit 502 even my tiny room at Bautista Street in Manila. I miss just being me, attending to no one else but myself. I miss going to the grocery and cooking. I miss those slow mornings when I get to make my own breakfast - just chickpea pancakes - and brewed coffee. In the afternoon I would cook rice and just reheat the previous dinner's leftover. Looking back, dinners were my favourite meal. I'd make whatever I wanted to try, mostly Asian dishes.

A lot of times, I would watch some C-drama or recommended films. During those times, I would sometimes have a simple cheese board and a glass of wine. Sometimes two.

I left that life because of filial duty. I left Bautista by the way for a better living condition. 502 wasn't a perfect place. As much as I love the rain, I hate the trouble of looking after my things because of leaks. I even had to "cure" my rattan boxes. I tried a lot of things when I was in Batangas Street. And I'm glad I did those things. Of course I could've done better, but that's water under the bridge.

Despite the things I am missing right now, I dare say I lived in ways I dreamed of when I lived alone - both in Bautista and Batangas Streets. I lived some dreams without depending on other people to fulfill them. And even now I keep on thriving to live my ways, still according to my values of course. There are deviant times of course, but those were my call.

Cielito is such a yinyang. The last days had been troublesome though. Mea culpa. Now I am back to fulfilling filial duties. But I need to set distinct boundaries and end some things. I pray God would be merciful to help me. I really need to breathe. I need a space to be alone, literally. The travel time going to and fro work are still not enough to unload some thoughts lurking in my head.

Living another 502 lifestyle would be great.

But as for now, just living with responsible people will do.

Music: Mika Nakashima - 僕が死のうと思ったのは

Meh

This day feels like meh because I was supposed to carry out 4 tasks but unable to do so as I had to make sure I'm at home (er.. dorm) to receive a particular delivery. I was paying COD. I also haven't watched any drama or movie since the sun came out.

Those tasks will have to wait until tomorrow. I need to pay some bills. I also need to make a particular bank transaction. I hope that bank branch opens soon. I hope all of this CoVID-19 stuff ends soon.

I doubt things will be the way they were, not entirely but it's never going to be the same again.

Now Playing: 2PM - My House

Dislike

Been seeing plenty of posts from a particular friend that kind of make me want to say, "Friend, stop! Just STOP!" The thing is, I find my friend's posts unbecoming for someone like us. It's better described in our vernacular tongue but I'd rather not say it. I'm not in denial. Neither am afraid to face my friend should this post reach ta. I just think it's still inappropriate. I'm still a friend. 

For now I am trying to understand from my friend's end and point of view. I'm getting more understanding in theory but I don't take it to heart. We have different values and background and destination to take. My friend is also too young to understand some things. I'll just leave my friend as it is.

Now Playing: Susie Suh - Good Times

Off Duty

My previous entry mentioned having 3 days off work. Thankfully, it got extended so I actually had 4 days off work. Today is my first off-duty after coming back from 2 days at work. I'm still off work tomorrow then I'd report for another day before embarking for a very long off-duty. I still can't go home though, especially after taking part in the Arrival Formalities of a special flight of repatriated seafarers from the United States. Yeah.

For selfish reasons, I am really looking forward to the lifting of this Enhanced Community Quarantine. I have a lot of things to do. I'm very limited given the suspended resources. I miss the freedom, whether to meet or avoid people. But my concerns are nothing compared to the collective national issues.

Still I really hope this pandemic ends very soon. CoVID-2019 has taken a lot from us, the worst of them are lives gone. It will also become very difficult for the government if this keeps going. I believe they're making sure that this doesn't end in public disorder because people are lacking especially in food.

Now Playing: Chihiro Onitsuka - Rebel Luck