Those "7 signs"

I stumbled upon this reel on IG that shares the 7 signs that a man is manifesting you. And boy, I think I got almost every item checked. There's one in particular that I have to admit hating to experience. Or maybe there are two...

1. I don't know how often "random" could get.

2. It's a unique name but the initials usually just pop out of nowhere, when I'm not on "random" thinking of this person. As for things that remind me, there a lot. Like a lot. Again, it happens when I am not experiencing number 1.

3. Ugh. 'Nuff said.

4. The showing up happens in random, like yeah unexpectedly. But I have a bad theory whenever this happens.

5. Good heavens. I want this to stop. Brain, please.

6. I don't know if I actually experience this or is it because I tend to randomly think of him. Perhaps I should stop making memories with him. But our interactions are inevitable.

7. For those times that remind me of this, I think I'm just being delulu...

For real. I want these to stop. I want to move forward and have my mind filled with other things, and of course other people.

Now Playing: Ai Higuchi i If Filled with Rain

Unwell

I'm not sure if the reason I am not feeling well lately is pathological or stressed-induced. As we know, stress does shit to our well being and causes compromised immune system. So right now my left nostril is currently bothered with some drips, a.k.a. snot. Lol. At first I thought it was just the cold but it got persistent even until I got home and when I woke up today.

Speaking of stress, I'm not sure how much has been brought into my system when I found out about something. It was not really stress-stress but I was bothered with what happened. I almost lost something important but someone came to my rescue. And for days I didn't know the details. It was like a miracle. Though such still exists, God uses people to carry it out. So when I finally found out, I was totally surprised. Because why bother?

And what came after was witnessing two people's true colours. Someone, once again, showed up someone after recognition. I think to deal with this person, it's got to be something out in the open. Meanwhile, the other one is sincere. Unexpectedly generous.

Despite not liking the first one for things I've experienced, even from before, there is no condemnation. I only have to be cautious, and/or maybe be more profitable. Perhaps I could come close if such were the case.

Right now I am still feeling unwell. The snot is getting tolerable. There's always tissue. But the mental and emotional stress are really weighing me down. I don't know where and how to get started, or go back on track. 

They said that, "When the why is clear, the how is easy." But I just don't know. The how is fine, but the where is becoming more challenging. If it wasn't for this someone particular who came to my rescue, I'd feel so abandoned. And it's not because of what was done, but rather more of someone's thoughtfulness in doing it.

The burden feels lighter.

And I want to do better. For the sake of what that someone has done for me. For the sake of that person's belief in me. The feeling of abandonment I felt over this weekend because of someone, on top of the other abandoned occasions even from other people, has become negligible. It's easy to dismiss them.

I just pray I can repay someone who came to my rescue. And I pray to be able to do better, to have the strength to carry on these coming days, and have the drive, at least, to live. To actually live and not just exist. I still don't know how to be excited when I am surrounded with those who have burdened my heart.

At least there's God. For all the questions bothering me about His intent on my whereabouts, I am at ease knowing what had happened last week. And I got surprises yesterday. There is hope.

I am too burdened and unwell with my situation at home and outside. It's easier to let go and just obey God. At the end of the day, my accountability is before Him.

Now Playing: Sanctus Real - Confidence

The Fox

I stumbled upon this post and it just wouldn't leave my mind. Although what it suggests is contrary to my personal belief, that is to always choose to forgive, I understand what it means. Personally, I could only think of one person who is a "fox" in my life.

That fox was actually the first one I thought of reading this. For this fox took a lot from me and it still wants more. For the longest time, I saw no remorse from the fox. Perhaps because no one reprimanded the fox. Or maybe the fox was simply feeling entitled for being this person's _____.

How unfair.

Just recently, the fox asked me for something because it was feeling ___. I was partly at fault, but the way the fox asked from me was as if it was entirely my responsibility and obligation to keep it alive.

It's not the first time this fox asked from me this way. During such times I wanted to ask, "Are you my responsibility? Am I really obliged to attend to your needs?"

Yeah, how can we feel obliged to meet other people's need/s if such people don't even make any effort to meet their needs?

Now Playing: Zed-X - Someone

Soft Rock

"As my awareness increases, my control over my own being increases."

William Schutz

Nowhere near nirvana I know but somehow I caught myself this morning trying to be intentionally kind-er and more gentle to people, though I doubt I succeeded on the latter. Wasn't just able to look at myself from time to time while at the counter but there's that feeling when you know your facial muscles are taut and nowhere close to smiling.

I wanted to make sure that I extended patience on things that usually get on my nerves, especially as I was assigned in an OFW lane today. Not so sure how I got into such mood but perhaps an accumulation of what happened this past week or so plus a day when I unloaded some burdens, perhaps the first time I shed for my own self, as well as some realizations while watching the Korean drama The Last Empress. The last one got me thinking that a lot of people look at those who know less, can do less, and own less as "lesser" people.

The lack of understanding, empathy or even sympathy, and awareness on the situation of other people usually make those living in comfort to be indifferent. For a number of times I know I've been guilty of this. I usually get upset when people violate, intentionally or not, rules even simple ones. I have forgotten that many factors play out leading to such behaviour of them.

Without pointing fingers or finding others at fault, I am actually an example of such ignorance. When people fail to follow rules, again, whether intentional or not, or prefer to put their interest before others, I get upset. Before, I knew that a lot of people are like that. But, when I got to work this morning, I felt so bad for the people that usually trigger me. I am still not happy with what they do but I was more burdened how they got into such moment.

This is getting longer and I know I won't be able to explain myself better, and I am not too keen to edit this post as I prefer some entries to be as candid as they could be. I just remembered some moments with passengers when I wish I could stop them from leaving out of fear on what would become of them as our then encounters, in my opinion, would upset any employer and could lead to them being abused.

Indeed, I have either deviated from the subject that has a poor title, or failed to properly communicate my thoughts. Bottom line was, I wanted to be kind today. My face and demeanour may have failed my intention but I am hoping it's a good start. Because you can never go wrong with being kind.

Now Playing: Matt Hartke, Maggie Peake - Gold

Juana T.

Nagbilang nga talaga ako mula isa hanggang sampu. Subalit sa kabila nito'y hindi pa rin napawi ang galit at dismaya sa kapwa na, sa hindi napaparang dila ay masasabi kong, hindi karapatdapat sa kanyang kinalalagyan sa kagawarang ito.

Isang katampalasan ang pagtanggap ng sahod mula sa kaban ng bayan kung ang gawa mo'y tatalunin pa ng isang mag-aaral sa mataas na paaralan. At kung iisipin, ang labindalawang taong gulang na ako ay mas maayos pang makagagawa ng pangkaraniwang ginagawa ng Juanang ito. At ano itong kayang gawin ng isang mag-aaral sa mababang paaralan? Ito ay isulat nang wasto ang buong pangalan ng isang tao pati na ang bayan at lalawigan na kanyang pinagmulan. Kasabay nito ang paggamit ng puwang sa paggitan ng bawat pangalan at salita pati na rin ng kuwit sa pagitan ng mga puwang ng bayan at lalawigan.

Kaya gayon na lamang ang hiwaga sa akin kung bakit ang mga nabanggit ay hindi kayang gawin ng isang nakapagtapos sa colegio. Utang na loob. Ang kabaliwang ito ay ipaliwanag sa akin.

Ang isa pang ikinaiinis ko sa Juanang ito ay ang kawalan ng kasipigan ng kung tutuusin ay hindi naman pabigat. Ang mga natapos na papel sa kanyang nasasakupang oras, lalo na ang mga natapos ng nauna sa kanya, ay naiwan lamang kaya ako ngayon ang gagawa. Sa aking nabibilang ay mayroong tatlo. Tatlong papel na kay daling isulat!

Sabihin sa akin kung alin ang mas matimbang, ang kanyang ibinibintang (na hindi ko raw nagawa sapagkat hindi pa natatapos ang aking nasasakupang oras, at kung tutuusin ay mas inuuna ko ang bagay na mahirap) o mga bagay na rito ay aking isinulat. Ang katunayan niya'y hindi pa ako natatapos sa listahan na kanya'y maaaring iharap.

Sabihin sa akin kung karapatdapat bang humarap sa madla ang isang Juana na mula sa kanila ay tumatanggap ng kabayaran sa kanyang trabaho? Sabihin sa akin na walang batayan ang galit na ito. Sabihin sa akin na hindi katanggaptanggap ang galit na ito sa kabila ng mga paalala.

At ikaw Juana kung ito'y iyong nababasa, magpaliwanag at magsabi upang ipagtanggol ang sarili. Wala pang kaluluwa ang mula sa akin ay nakarinig ng dito ay nakasulat, ng mga bagay na dahil sa iyo'y nagdulot sa aking matinding sakit ng ulo. Sapagkat akin pa ring iniiwasan na sa iba ay mabanggit ang iyong kalapastanganan sa bayan.

A Breakfast to Remember

This was taken when Erika and I had breakfast together. I think that was the first. On the last day of the month of June and the last day of the first half of the year, apparently.

It was quite a memorable moment. No. It was really a memorable moment, which lasted for an hour, because during all those time something at the back of my mind was gathering tidbits of memories not related to what Erika and I were talking about.

Also on this day, I confirmed something about my curiosity. My assessment was right and I was glad. I still am.

I ate a lot during this breakfast. Erika too. I had garlic rice and beef tapa with egg as well as macaroni soup. As for my coffee, it was pure black just as I want it to be.

Now Playing: Queenie and Patricia - Sound of Silence

Trying it like Abe

I initially wanted to post another entry, which I already drafted. But it's a not so good one so methinks I'll let it rest first. Maybe I'll change my mind. If not, I'll just post it later.

One of the books I've read before was about Abraham Lincoln's leadership style. What struck me the most was how he would respond when angered, disappointed, failed by a subordinate or what else. I've been meaning to practice and adapt such trait.

There was a time when I was totally upset. I already wrote a confrontation letter but decided against giving the letter. I was and still am glad I did not.

Maybe I could do the same with the blog entry I wanted to write instead of this one.

Indeed, it is an awful thing to anger an INTJ. They rarely get angry but once you take the road that leads to it, even at the entrance, you are certain to get a door slam and be judged for as long as you live. The only way to reverse it is if you go 180 degrees from your awful practices and incompetence. 

23 May 2017

Today, as of 2:50 PM, I can count at least five things I am grateful of.

First, I was not late. I came in at 0355H though logged in a minute later due to fingerprint issues.

Second, we had free breakfast. But I wonder if I should stop receiving any.

Third, I saw and was able to speak with C#4. I had a lot of sneak peeks before number four.

Fourth, I saw and was able to speak with C#3. There were a lot of glimpses. I was even able to see up close though just the back because C#3 came in at our turf. And before I left, I had another glimpse.

Fifth, the favour from Ms. MAQ-C. Such kindness was and is good enough for today. Forget the first four things and I'd still be fine. Moreso, I was reminded of God's justice and mercy. I've had both in her office.

Now Playing: Vivaldi - Four Seasons

Guilty

I hate guilt. But I hate more what I did that led to this guilt. Perhaps it's more of a conviction, or something..

Some of the things I've read just a while ago reminded me big time how much I failed to stop something from happening that I'm hating myself right now.

And because of what happened, I couldn't do what I usually do whenever I meet Mang Jesus and Christian. I saw them earlier on my way to work. And it happened when Christian was awake. Ugh. He's usually asleep whenever I see this father and son. It's good to see him looking good. Please, God, be merciful to them.

I hate this. I hate what I did. I hate what I did not do. But who's to blame? Mea culpa.

Now Playing: K'naan - Wavin' Flag

Equal demand, equal supply

It's funny how people can be so demanding without thinking of how very little they are taking part on their end of the deal.

Say in a product. People would want this and that but would pay for only a certain amount.

Say a supplier-user relationship. User demands supplier to deliver this and that and those results but would not pay according to demands' equivalent cost.

What's worse is that these abusive people would sneak to ask for more and make it appear as if already part of the deal. It's not bad to ask for more (without extra charge) if it was not previously required and only make sense to be requested or asked. But, if it's a material that's supposed to come from somewhere or someone else yet required (read: insisted/demanded without consideration) from the supplier without additional payment... all I could say is may God judge you. 

And yes, may karma deal you with the same measure you gave.

Now Playing: The Carpenters - Sometimes

Heeding Borden, one thought at a time.

Caught myself today having a reaction uncalled for. It's not morbid but it was still not nice.

Looking into it, my despise (if I have to put it bluntly) rooted from a previous experience when I was placed in an awkward position. Meaning, I've been trying to reach out to help and find out what (else) I could do to help from where I left off but got nothing only to be "charged" later of such inquiry.

It's definitely annoying when you're dismissed as you try to avoid something from happening. Come the day such thing happened, they'd get back to you as if you did nothing to put closure into it.

So yeah, it came to that. Expressing disappointment on what someone did, thinking it was a negligence  on that person's part because of my prior prejudice.

Makes me wonder, how do I make sure that I stay objective?

Now Playing: Utada Hikaru - Flavour of Life

Fashion Realization

A lot of us have read that Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg have been wearing the same thing like since forever. I've also read that President Barack Obama does the same, and that there are others who have the same lifestyle.

Reading the accounts made me reconsider my clothing style. For those three mentioned, it's to pave the decision-making they have to make each day. For Pres. Obama, that's a whole lot of decision, every minute.

So I thought perhaps I can learn more than a thing from these men. And it's true.

I realized that it is indeed so unnecessary to spend so much time thinking what to wear when you have a day ahead of you awaiting for bigger and more important decisions.

When I thought of sticking to literally one general look of style, I thought that seems unlikely for me. There are dress codes in different places and occasions, which are not bad, so perhaps I could stick to one colour only like what Johnny Cash was known for, "The Man in Black." But I like different colours, or shades rather.

Blue, Green, and Red are my favourite colours but I also tend to get attracted to the shade of old rose. And I've never liked pink. I guess one just can't be a racist even among the colours themselves.

While thinking about this matter, I remembered that I am woman. A female. Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, and Barack Obama are men. Male. So it means I have a different brain capacity. As a female, I am organically built to handle multiple things at the same time. I am not saying the male people are not able to do that. Of course they can, but not all of them are better equipped for such. 

Thinking further, it made me realize that it seems it really takes a big chuck of your mental energy to decide on clothing. I would like to keep that it mind. If we look at it, deciding what to wear comes pretty easy and naturally to women that they're taking it for granted. We take for granted that deciding what to wear, mixing and matching, is actually a skill.

For now I decided that I will still wear different things albeit not like a bold fashionista. I've been thinking recently how to go minimalist and more importantly, sustainable. Perhaps I should finalize it sooner while I still have the luxury of "time" to do so. Who knows, the day will come when I could hardly decide what to wear. At least, when or if that day comes I am already equipped.

I am so looking forward to the day when I've already made a system that works and is sustainable. I won't have to waste resources on time, money, and energy for that matter. But as for now, it's still a work in progress and it's a conscious one.

Now Playing: The Soul's Release - Catching Fireflies

Random comment #1

It's my comment on a friend's Facebook post against the alleged tactics of the "yellow army" or Liberal Party supporters with the recent appearance of Matobato as a witness on the Senate Hearing against alleged extra-judicial killings during the administration's anti-illegal drugs campaign.

It's annoying that a lot of people are blaming former President Ferdinand Marcos for all the troubles during the Martial Law. Although I firmly believe that Marcos should still be accountable of his term and administration, it doesn't mean salo niya ang lahat.

People, and whoever has the legal means, should prove in the court of law all their accusations and not just with stories. Para matapos na. I'm not saying the killings and rape stories are not true. Ang daming pamilya ang nag-suffer dahil may kaanak silang na-torture, rape, at napatay. Legit 'yun. Pero sino ba talaga ang totoo at dapat managot?

What if hindi pala lahat ng bintang nila kay FM ay totoo? What if hindi pala talaga kasalanan ni FM 'yun? Pero si FM at ang Marcos family sinisisi nila. Nasaan ang hustisya r'on? Magdusa man ang mga Marcos kung hindi naman sila ang totoong may kasalanan, wala rin ang akala nilang hustisya. Malaya pa rin ang sino man dapat managot. Hindi 'yun makatarungan.

Kung si FM naman talaga ang dapat na managot sa lahat, tapusin na ang kaso. Isara na at ibigay na ang hustisya sa mga biktima. 'Wag na patagalin dahil ang daming tao ang nagdurusa at umaasa ng hustisya.

I'm posting it here kasi ang haba. Hahaha.

And for the record, I find it sad that people see the Liberal Party supporters in general as if everyone thinks, says, and acts the same way. I have a friend who is a strong supporter of the Liberal Party yet he thinks on his own, logically and sensibly. We need more people like him, not just among the LP supporters but also among other politicians' or parties' supporters.

Now Playing: Up Dharma Down - Tadhana

Common Sense

I wonder where I could buy common sense. I'd be giving tons away to particular people, new graduates who were any of the following:

• Absent during their classes;
• Cheated on their attendance during on-the-job training days;
• Didn't do anything productive during on-the-job training days;
• Didn't actually go to college (O_o);
• Lacking imagination, resourcefulness, and yeah... common sense;
• Not aware of their actual duties and responsibilities;
• Not human. They don't have heart either for their job or for people.

Shoganai ne...

INTJ vs. INTP

This is actually my reply to a post here:

I am basically an INTP with, based on some tests I took/re-took, 1-3% chances of being an INTJ. And I've realized that when I hit that 1-3%, I go all out in the sense that I get pretty anxious until things get done effectively. However, I've come to accept that I am an INTx, that I just shift from either of my 3-year old versions.

With regard to emotions, I remember an elder telling me that I give no reaction despite being scolded. As I recalled a particular moment when I got scolded, I remember thinking back then how to improve things that I just dismissed reacting for getting scolded. I was, as told by this elder, showed no reaction at all. Yes, I had no emotional reaction because my mind was busy trying to figure out how to fix or correct my mistake. For me it was far more important to avoid repetition of the same mistake than looking sorry. Besides, I didn't want to give this person the satisfaction of me being emotionally sorry though I felt bad that I didn't make the goal. But of course, other people would see that as arrogance. This elder thought I was being arrogant. But I wasn't.

Although I am seen as someone without emotions, which is very impossible, I feel strongly for some events and situations WHICH (emphasis intended) do not include me. The genocide in Sudan got me even years before. I felt terrible for those people who have become victims of the apartheid. In this year's Olympics, I am very happy for Simone Biles achieving feats unprecedented. When Judoka Yarden Gerbi won Israel's first Olympic medal since 2008, I was ecstatic. Of course, I was so and very, very happy when my own country Philippines wins its first Olympic medal in 20 years, courtesy of a female weight lifter.

However, when emotions are pretty exaggerated, I detach and could not appreciate. Such actually annoy me. I find them unnecessary unless they change things and events, for I see a lot of emotional people but are stuck in the status quo. What's the point of being so expressive when you're not changing things?

Sometimes though I go through something that technically speaking calls for a strong emotional reaction. I've found myself shedding tears without understanding why, like I tried to grasp what's going on and could "diagnose" but only if it's other people going through it. When I tried to put myself in the picture, I still go clueless albeit with my tears still flowing.

I can say I understand people's reactions, though I still question their motives for expressing such, but I can't picture myself giving the same. Of course, I experience anger which is actually the pretty dominant emotion I know. Like it's the only one I can understand with me in the picture. For who would not get angry with people oppressing helpless people, taking advantage of others?

When it comes to hygiene, I was not without care at least when it came to the basics. However, I didn't extend extra effort to be presentable. And yes, partly because of my 'rebellion' to society's particular "standards" or categorization, like you have to show up like this otherwise you'd be out-of-place. Back then, I was very much happy to be out of place. Although I still have no intention to be part of the crowd, technically I could not because I belong to the INTx group, I've come to appreciate what it's like to prepare ahead of time to dress up and put a little make-up, though I do so to hide the dark circles under my eyes and simply polish my look. I still prefer to keep everything au naturel.

There are INTP traits that used to apply to me but have now become very rare. There are also INTJ traits that do not fully apply, like being lost in "my own world" because I am still aware of everything around but I just don't respond to them even if people talk to me because most would ask questions I find stupid. At work, I often find myself being the only one responding to our supervisor's inquiry though I've been working on something, like everyone else.

I am aware that there are people who really get lost in their world, but I it actually makes me wonder why some people would not leave at least a window for their supervisor in case he raises a concern. For me, no one at work is in a position to 'shut' the world without at least informing a seatmate of such plan so no one would be expected to just easily interrupt. Unless of course you're the boss, you don't need to adjust that way.

My question... back to me?

I'd say this would be a rant.

For the record, this is not the first time that this happened. I've actually lost count. I stopped counting, to be exact.

So let me be clear, why am I being asked about something that has been (technically) off my hands and something that I've been FIRST asking or inquiring about? Yes, I was asking about this for days... NO, for weeks actually.

Was I not clear when I asked about this, it mean I knew nothing? I was asking because getting the information is off my hands. The people I could also ask about was even not available during the times I was. And don't tell me that I could've sent them email because it would be awfully rude to ask people outside without asking those inside, those who are with you.

So tell me. WHY?

If the people concerned see this, so be it. So let me ask.. Seriously? Bakit n'yo binabalik ang tanong ko?

LSS: ♫ Lucille, you know how I feel... ♫

Karma stories: The wonder

I've been trying to recall the things I did back then, especially when I was still working with and for teh godfather. I could speak in French here to better describe the experience in a few words but that I shan't do. Let's just say now that I  can breathe better, I'm thankful for the lessons. Definitely glad that those days are over.

The reason I'm trying to recall such part of my life is because karma is a witch. I feel like I can relate to teh godfather's dealings with me. BUT, in my defense, I was not someone who did not exert effort. I was not lazy. 

When communicating, my responses were of course also different because teh godfather would never stop until he hears from me, thus I've gotten used to making the necessary responses especially when the communications sent were pointed out.

Those were the first set of my tough days. Well, knowing and experiencing first hand those stormy days, I should know better how it feels like to be on the receiving end. But then, when someone reaches out to me, I would respond. I was willing to help and work with that person. I had my crazy moments, I still do, but when it comes to team tasks I'm willing to reach out and get reached.

So what happened karma?

The 5-kilometre thoughts

Despite my 2 1/2 hours of sleep, because I was quite nervous yesterday, I'm glad to have woken up and made it to the fun run. I mean I was able to complete it.

My 5-km running time? 38 minutes, 40 seconds.

It would've been lesser had my rectus abdominis and abdominal oblique muscles, both right, not forgotten that there's a scheduled fun run this morning. I had to walk then and longer than necessary because I had to take my lateral and posterior muscles into consideration as they were also hurting these past days. I didn't want to be a casualty.

So while running, jogging, and walking... the following thoughts filled my head. Except for number one, the rest were in no particular.

1. My crush. He's got to be in this spot because it's his habit to run in my head every now and then. He's probably covered at least a kilometre of my run/walk this morning. Perhaps it's the reason, besides his other physical activities, that he'sfit.

2. Faith in humanity. I think having watched Supergirl had be changed as well. The tv series is a bunch of sunshine so it rubbed on me. I remember some staff of the organizers along the running path cheering for the runners. As they did, there would be a smile on my face and I would remember that there's still good in humanity, that it's not a bad thing to believe in people.

3. Countdown. This has been playing in my head for months now so it slipped in my thoughts during the fun run. I don't know when it shall end but I'm pretty sure it shall come down to that. Though I wish it to end soon, like very soon, there are factors that need to be considered. For one, the answer to why. So far, I only have a reason or two. It's time to go; and there's no more reason to hang around.

4. Sleep. I've been craving for sleep lately.

5. Blindspot. I want to continue watching this series. As of the time of the fun run, I've only watched 3 episodes. Got to admit that I missed Weller's voice. What's with the Aussie people's baritone voice? I'm not sure though if Sullivan's Australian.

6. Supergirl! I miss this series. I just miss it.

7. The sun. I love the sun's warmth upon my skin in the morning, especially when I'm jogging or running. It was great to have that experience during the 5-km fun run.