Work Update

I'm not doing well at work, and it's scaring me and giving me anxieties.

Went for a medical check up last Tuesday that ended up getting an MRI on Thursday. Results were out early. I got the reading last Friday afternoon but only got to see the scans yesterday dawn, which was actually quite a wrong move. Thankfully I'm not really a scaredy cat and those scans were mine.

Imagine looking at brain MRI at 3am. Yes. 😂

I pray that all will be well tomorrow. Waking up early not really that hard. Getting out of bed is. And it just so happens that I get some discomforts before hitting the sack and when I wake up. I don't know why. 😞

Not sure if my brain is still well, whether the hardware or my mental state. I've been in and out of the abyss too many times and it came early this year. Besides God's grace, first and foremost, I would like to credit the NestFest and TAPE RE:LOAD in Manila as the reasons I stuck around.

And with the MRI results I got, I think I will definitely make sure I stay out of the abyss.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - Good Goodbye

O_O

I think that expression is the best way to describe how I felt when I woke up today. How it led to such, mea culpa. Everything was my fault. And I want to cry. For real.

The crazy part was, I was excited to work today and I have everything prepared. I know. 为什么. 不 知道.

I don't know if it's related to what happened this morning, but I've been having on and off dizziness with a bit of headache.

Now Playing: AGA - Bad Day [English]

Migraine

Been having migraine since last night. It's been on and off. I thought it's because of the summer heat, but I had the suspicion that it's because of the scent I am wearing. It's a body spray I used to love pre-pandemic. I check the store last month but it's out of stock. Then I came back last week and saw it's on stock so I bought a bottle.

Seems like they changed the formulation because it's stronger and has a CN1 effect that really strongly lingers. Must be the inflation, because there's no significant price increase. It's sad because I really loved its scent.

That, or my olfactory nerve has become a bit sensitive.

My migraine last night night was really troublesome that I had to make notice of SL for today. It's annoying because I really wanted to go to work. But I had to make early notice because I was afraid I might not wake up in time to do so. My attendance this quarter has been troublesome and very far from ideal.

I guess I have to use another scent. Or maybe I'll just spray this one on my clothes a night before wearing them. Yeah, I think I'm gonna try that.

Now Playing: TAPE RE: LOAD IN MANILA

Stages of Recovery

I don't actually recall a so-called "Stages of Recover" when I was studying BSN. Nor did I encounter such after college. But I wonder if there is, even if it's just an assumption. If so, I'd like to check it and find out where I am at the moment.

Just like the previous year, August and September are troublesome months for me. It's like a season of visit to the abyss. I can't remember if I was able to pick myself up right away last year but for this year I think I've been quite consciously yearning for an early recovery. I guess because I had the awareness that the abyss is deeper and darker this time. I've been getting a lot of hits even back in July. Perhaps everything started in July.

Performance-wise at work, I think I'm making some significant improvements. My attendance is another story though. However, what's been hit big time from this abyss season is my business. There's been prolonged stagnancy and with this year or season's abyss visit, I must admit I've neglected it. I just couldn't push myself. And with my coping mechanism of isolation, things got worse.

Perhaps the Chinese dramas were what kept me going. And I think the turning point was when I met and processed BamBam for his departure from his last visit. I got excited and nervous at the same. I guess that was the feeling they've always been saying. I couldn't imagine such polarity until that Departure post as SA at the Annex. I was actually super late that day, and I thank God I was. Because I got to meet BamBam up close.

GOT7, GOT7! You guys always help me get out of the abyss and overcome my eclipse. Thank You, LORD, for these amazing men.

Now Playing: GOT7 - Eclipse

Caffeine Surge

Haven't had coffee or anything with caffeine these past 10 days that my first intake gives me an unusual anxiety. At least it's only physical, though it may have been aggravated by my current thoughts and emotions.

I actually have to drink osmanthus tea to calm myself. This new favourite drink somehow soothes me, though I'm not sure if it actually has that effect or if it's just personal. I love sipping a hot osmanthus tea, which I usually brew with butterfly pea and honey. I'm having a plain one this time. This anxiety feels a little urgent. Or maybe I'm just being lazy.

It doesn't help that I haven't read from Mo Dao Zu Shi manhua's the current The Untamed episode that I am watching. And I don't remember this in the donghua. So the live-action was adapted from the novel. Now I'm a little itchy to read it. I hope it's available in WebNovel.

Reminds me though, perhaps the T2 matrix also keeps me tachycardic. I initially thought my duty will start on the 18th. Good thing I check our Viber group and found out I'm off for work tomorrow. No wonder the shuttle service schedule didn't match, with what I thought. I was hoping I could sleep late again tonight. Okay, I didn't sleep late. I actually slept a little past 4 o'clock. Talk about supposed normalizing my body clock. Perhaps I could learn from Lan Wangji.

I wonder what's in store at the borders tomorrow. By the way, my caffeine induced anxiety still lingers.

Now Playing: Do As Infinity - Fukai Mori

Survivor Philippines GCQ Edition Day-3. Day 1 at Work

Came home exhausted and drowsy. I really needed a good nap but failed at that because a lot of thoughts have been swimming inside my head.

For a first day of duty, I haven't performed pretty well. I didn't feel quite at my best shape. But it wasn't totally awful, so far. As always, things are a matter of perspective.

The Five.

Woke up a minute earlier than my scheduled alarm. It's interesting how the body understands situations. When I checked our Terminal chat group, I found out that I'm among those posted at NAIA 2 today. Also found out that we have a flight with ETA at 4AM. Talk about rushing to Arrival Formalities.

Not complaining but it seems like a long time since I had to be at the counter at the first minute of shift. It feels a little weird. The flight arrived as scheduled but the passengers didn't disembark right away. Of course.

Kindness.

This virtue has been ringing in my head throughout today's shift and I felt that it's something I had to extend to every passenger that would pass through me. I believe everyone needs some kindness, especially from strangers. Good deeds like this really warm the heart. I myself feel surprised and of course grateful whenever I am on the receiving end.

Speaking of gratitude, I've been reminded today of a particular college professor, whose end story I recently shared with my dorm-mates, who had been really kind and considerate to me. I remembered him again today because I happened to receive some kindness and consideration, like how he treated me back in college. Thinking about it, am I always that pain in the bum?

Remembering this heart-warming experience makes me feel at ease despite the two particular bad decisions I've done. Of course I have to prepare myself should I suffer the consequence in the future. But then, it's true how failures teach us more than success does. My favourite golden nugget would definitely be knowing someone's character. I think seeing someone's sincere heart is always a steal.

Deliveries.

Three deliveries arrived today. The first two were parcels from my online orders while the last one was the potable water that I expected yesterday.

I've been making a lot of online purchases during these past months. Some were necessary, some were not. I hope these stuff that arrived today belong to the former category.

Now Playing: Yoshiki - Red Swan

Catch Up Sleep

It's not uncommon for IOs to have irregular body clock, especially during this ECQ days. NAIA Terminals 2 and 3 are closed so we've been all assigned to T1. Given that there's not much flights, we're on skeletal work force. I don't know with those from other terminals but as for us from T2, we have  3 days work then 2 days off in total. How that's distributed varies. Thankfully for me, it was 3-2 recently. Meaning, I get 2 days off ahead before T1 changes terminal-admin.

Working first then take my leave off duty is my cup of tea. But as I just finished my shift yesterday, I felt I had to catch up with sleep. My intention was only to take a nap, two hours the most. As I've been sleep deprived recently, I went on 5 hours of sleep, which is just an hour more than my average regular sleep.

Of course I skipped dinner albeit unintentionally,  but I had a midnight meal of instant rice meal - a Thai Red Curry, which I never thought existed.

I haven't gone back to sleep yet since my waking up from my "supposed" nap. It'd be nice to have a normal and healthy sleep pattern. Besides the basic benefits, I need to get rid of my eyebags. I look like a panda minus the cuteness.

Now Playing: Cocco - Raining

ECQ S3

I've finally completed my duty for ECQ Season 3. The Enhanced Community Quarantine in Metro Manila has been extended twice that some end up calling it seasons. I like the idea, making this grave situation a little light when referred to.

Right now, everyone from T2 are only awaiting for the season finale. Not sure if there'll be season 4. Though it's not unlikely, I hope there will be no more.

Two days ago, all flights beginning 8AM were supposed to be cancelled. But a Bahrain flight made it out of the country. They have proper endorsement. Just thought it was weird and... well.

Yesterday I was one of those posted at NAIA 2 to conduct the Arrival Formalities of repatriated Filipinos from Madrid.

Today, I was back on Departure Formalities, processing two pilots and one BM. The first two were for a cargo flight while the last was on board JetStar. I dunno how we got to process a commercial flight despite the notice. But there we were.

Been sleep deprived during these duty days so I am thankful that I don't have to wake up early tomorrow. Not like the usual, but I still have to wake up before sunrise.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - The Beginning

Of Schedules and Days Without CoVID

Our new sched has already been posted and I'm glad that mine doesn't have a break. I mean, it's going to be 3 straight days of duty then 2 days off-duty before another fortnight of what we like most. Still, I miss the pre-ECQ days when one could freely go from one place to another, without curfew, and  the almost 24-hour delivery availability.

There are also transactions that I need to settle and work on. Can't wait to get them done. Some plans have been postponed, if not cancelled. Also looking forward to when I can plan my travels again. There's even a particular place where I've never been to but I am already thinking of coming back to.

Now Playing: Duan Ao Juan - The Most Amazing of You

Off Duty

My previous entry mentioned having 3 days off work. Thankfully, it got extended so I actually had 4 days off work. Today is my first off-duty after coming back from 2 days at work. I'm still off work tomorrow then I'd report for another day before embarking for a very long off-duty. I still can't go home though, especially after taking part in the Arrival Formalities of a special flight of repatriated seafarers from the United States. Yeah.

For selfish reasons, I am really looking forward to the lifting of this Enhanced Community Quarantine. I have a lot of things to do. I'm very limited given the suspended resources. I miss the freedom, whether to meet or avoid people. But my concerns are nothing compared to the collective national issues.

Still I really hope this pandemic ends very soon. CoVID-2019 has taken a lot from us, the worst of them are lives gone. It will also become very difficult for the government if this keeps going. I believe they're making sure that this doesn't end in public disorder because people are lacking especially in food.

Now Playing: Chihiro Onitsuka - Rebel Luck

3 Days Off Duty

Never thought it'd actually happen, having 3 days straight off duty. Unfortunately, the approval for this scheme came about because of SARS-CoV-2. Yes, it's the nCoV-2019/CoVID-2019. Somehow I prefer to use the technical term of this pandemic.

So my first set of 3-day off duty is about to end. I'll be going back to work, which I'm kind of excited and not at the same time. I've already prepared my uniform yesterday, when I've done a lot of mundane but essential chores and without watching Legend of Fuyao. I only have to prepare my bag now.

I'm supposed to be sleeping now but I've just taken a shower and my hair is still wet. Taking the drying time for some face mask (it's been a while!) and night time tea. I've been getting longer sleep than the usual so I hope I wake up when my alarm sets off because transportation is still suspended, thus I'm taking the coaster provided by the agency.

Looking forward to tomorrow, especially when I have to go back home. I'll think about tomorrow's lunch and dinner at work. For now, I'll have to take off this face mask.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - The Beginning

Soft Rock

"As my awareness increases, my control over my own being increases."

William Schutz

Nowhere near nirvana I know but somehow I caught myself this morning trying to be intentionally kind-er and more gentle to people, though I doubt I succeeded on the latter. Wasn't just able to look at myself from time to time while at the counter but there's that feeling when you know your facial muscles are taut and nowhere close to smiling.

I wanted to make sure that I extended patience on things that usually get on my nerves, especially as I was assigned in an OFW lane today. Not so sure how I got into such mood but perhaps an accumulation of what happened this past week or so plus a day when I unloaded some burdens, perhaps the first time I shed for my own self, as well as some realizations while watching the Korean drama The Last Empress. The last one got me thinking that a lot of people look at those who know less, can do less, and own less as "lesser" people.

The lack of understanding, empathy or even sympathy, and awareness on the situation of other people usually make those living in comfort to be indifferent. For a number of times I know I've been guilty of this. I usually get upset when people violate, intentionally or not, rules even simple ones. I have forgotten that many factors play out leading to such behaviour of them.

Without pointing fingers or finding others at fault, I am actually an example of such ignorance. When people fail to follow rules, again, whether intentional or not, or prefer to put their interest before others, I get upset. Before, I knew that a lot of people are like that. But, when I got to work this morning, I felt so bad for the people that usually trigger me. I am still not happy with what they do but I was more burdened how they got into such moment.

This is getting longer and I know I won't be able to explain myself better, and I am not too keen to edit this post as I prefer some entries to be as candid as they could be. I just remembered some moments with passengers when I wish I could stop them from leaving out of fear on what would become of them as our then encounters, in my opinion, would upset any employer and could lead to them being abused.

Indeed, I have either deviated from the subject that has a poor title, or failed to properly communicate my thoughts. Bottom line was, I wanted to be kind today. My face and demeanour may have failed my intention but I am hoping it's a good start. Because you can never go wrong with being kind.

Now Playing: Matt Hartke, Maggie Peake - Gold

14 months later...

...a new entry is posted.

If there's one word that mostly kept from posting again it is work. The other factors would only come as consequence of this word. Thankfully I can do something about it now. And I need to intentionally write things down to keep my sanity, mostly, and to of course keep a record of events. I would probably be posting travels and adventures from the past year or so.

Truth be told, there are plenty to write about, crossing borders and going beyond typical interests. That kind of makes me excited, the thought of writing about them. Sweet.

For now, I'll get started with reading Arriane Serafico's book Existential Crisis Courage. Been looking for a copy in bookstores but found none so I ordered it online last month. I just received it today though; perhaps email matters. Well, things happen for a reason or more. I'll be posting some thoughts on the book here - that's intentional - and not just on Twitter or Instagram.

Now Playing: The Corrs - What Can I Do

Running Early

I came home early today, thanks to UBE Express, and was aiming to have a run but I got distracted and quite feverish. Tomorrow's off duty so I am hoping I'd feel better and could continue the run.

Speaking of UBE Express, I think I'd be taking this ride regularly except during those days when I have to drop by Ayala. Today was the second time I rode one but the first time I got off Robinsons Galleria. The first time was in Araneta-Cubao. I'm so loving P2P transport system. If all goes well, I might just be having a overhaul of plans.

Now Playing: Shania Twain - From This Moment

Remembering the end and the beginning

My oh my. Time flies indeed. I still remember preparing for our batch training's orientation at the main office in Intramuros like it was just last week. I can even imagine it like it was just yesterday.

Okay. That was back in February 28th, a Wednesday. But I got the notice only four days earlier. I didn't expect it to be very snap, snap, snap! We were told that we'd be heading to the academy the next Sunday. Wow. We only had 3 days to prepare everything, including telling our boss goodbye - for those who are already working in the bureau. Well, it was no shock for they already knew about the application. Still that was fast. Late but fast, like The Flash.

And so we gathered once again at the main office on a Sunday morning, embarking on a new adventure of a lifetime that would change our remaining lives. We arrived at the academy in Clark, Pampanga in the afternoon. It was so HOT but only the beginning of more almost dehydrating days.

We both knew and not what to expect. For the initially 100 people who made that decision to join the bureau in this manner, it was a ride of a lifetime.

Now Playing - Ang Huling El Bimbo

Whut?

Seriously? Like good heavens. So I have only posted twice this year, and all in the month of February. I have been busy.

I understand why I haven't done so from March to-date. Those are training days in PIA and NAIA. But having nada for January... sad.

Can't stay any longer and this obviously impromptu and only to have my presence know. My social media accounts are still active. I hope to be back perhaps later, after my main office duty and KM training. Yes, I'm achieving goals, ticking off some on my bucket list. Sugoi ne?

Now Playing: Do As Infinity - 黄昏

The Bouquet 💐

This serves as a "tribute" to this bouquet.

Checking my tweets and finding this, I realized that I've been too INTP - a very curious cat - that I haven't fully appreciated how beautiful this 💐 was. I got diverted to whose bouquet this was because I came to work, which starts at 4AM, with this beauty sitting on my desk. It's actually anyone's who is on shift.

I tried to ask but no one knew. Of course people joked and teased that it was mine. I may not have the badge they do but we're still from the same unit so these officers pretty much rubbed their TCEU thing on me.

These were the reasons their claim was not established:

1. I don't know anyone who would give me such bouquet.

2. There was no tag or card indicating it's for me.

3. On our group chat, our terminal chief supervisor made a claim and name-dropped, but he could be:

3.1. Just teasing me; or

3.2. He was kidding an IO

4. Of course it was our terminal chief supervisor and I could simply take his word. But I thought he could be simply testing me, in addition to reason 3.1., because I've made an application for a badge.

5. I replied to our TCS in private and his reply implies that it was not to be taken seriously. 😶
6. The remaining reason to dispute the claim is simply the lack of supporting 'documents.' 😏

That's it, pancit! 

Juana T.

Nagbilang nga talaga ako mula isa hanggang sampu. Subalit sa kabila nito'y hindi pa rin napawi ang galit at dismaya sa kapwa na, sa hindi napaparang dila ay masasabi kong, hindi karapatdapat sa kanyang kinalalagyan sa kagawarang ito.

Isang katampalasan ang pagtanggap ng sahod mula sa kaban ng bayan kung ang gawa mo'y tatalunin pa ng isang mag-aaral sa mataas na paaralan. At kung iisipin, ang labindalawang taong gulang na ako ay mas maayos pang makagagawa ng pangkaraniwang ginagawa ng Juanang ito. At ano itong kayang gawin ng isang mag-aaral sa mababang paaralan? Ito ay isulat nang wasto ang buong pangalan ng isang tao pati na ang bayan at lalawigan na kanyang pinagmulan. Kasabay nito ang paggamit ng puwang sa paggitan ng bawat pangalan at salita pati na rin ng kuwit sa pagitan ng mga puwang ng bayan at lalawigan.

Kaya gayon na lamang ang hiwaga sa akin kung bakit ang mga nabanggit ay hindi kayang gawin ng isang nakapagtapos sa colegio. Utang na loob. Ang kabaliwang ito ay ipaliwanag sa akin.

Ang isa pang ikinaiinis ko sa Juanang ito ay ang kawalan ng kasipigan ng kung tutuusin ay hindi naman pabigat. Ang mga natapos na papel sa kanyang nasasakupang oras, lalo na ang mga natapos ng nauna sa kanya, ay naiwan lamang kaya ako ngayon ang gagawa. Sa aking nabibilang ay mayroong tatlo. Tatlong papel na kay daling isulat!

Sabihin sa akin kung alin ang mas matimbang, ang kanyang ibinibintang (na hindi ko raw nagawa sapagkat hindi pa natatapos ang aking nasasakupang oras, at kung tutuusin ay mas inuuna ko ang bagay na mahirap) o mga bagay na rito ay aking isinulat. Ang katunayan niya'y hindi pa ako natatapos sa listahan na kanya'y maaaring iharap.

Sabihin sa akin kung karapatdapat bang humarap sa madla ang isang Juana na mula sa kanila ay tumatanggap ng kabayaran sa kanyang trabaho? Sabihin sa akin na walang batayan ang galit na ito. Sabihin sa akin na hindi katanggaptanggap ang galit na ito sa kabila ng mga paalala.

At ikaw Juana kung ito'y iyong nababasa, magpaliwanag at magsabi upang ipagtanggol ang sarili. Wala pang kaluluwa ang mula sa akin ay nakarinig ng dito ay nakasulat, ng mga bagay na dahil sa iyo'y nagdulot sa aking matinding sakit ng ulo. Sapagkat akin pa ring iniiwasan na sa iba ay mabanggit ang iyong kalapastanganan sa bayan.

Friday Random

There are a lot of things and thoughts to write about. Unfortunately, timing isn't something that is always on my side. Whenever I feel compelled to write, I'm either at work or on the road travelling. I usually try to prep the words hoping to be ready once I am in front of the PC. Too bad that isn't always the case. Whenever I am ready or rather available to write, nothing sensible comes to mind. But mostly, there's just a lot that I didn't know where or how to start. I usually end up writing random things. Like this.

The month of July is about to end. Thankfully. It was not so friendly to me. I had a lot of downs and bumps. I got sick a number of times, which mostly resulted to me staying at home. As much as I love staying at home, doing so because of sickness is not something I desire. Those days make me think about a lot of things, among others. The month also set the beginning of days when I wouldn't be able to see something I used to look forward to. But what can I do. Truth be told, I kind of like it and not like it.

For my form of entertainment, in the first half of year it was mostly watching Japanese and/or Korean dramas. This month, I went back to my first favourite past time - reading. I've actually read five (5) books, five times more than I have read from January to June. Apparently, all books were from the same author. I've re-read three of Joel C. Rosenberg's novels and started on two others from another series.

Now Playing: Katharine McPhee - Over It

Elizabeth Keen feels

This should have been posted on 27 March 2017, Monday.

***

I kind of got locked out last night and was too tired to wait any further. Going to Antipolo was not even an option, unless I go having self-declared holiday. So I decided to spend the night somewhere else. It was not the first time.

This reminds me of the time when Liz was on the run from Tom and Berlin. But she seemed comfortable minus the security threats.

The options available, as I was hoping I could find a really better place without breaking the bank, were very limited. I ended up opting for the Orange Apartelle. I spent P650 for a 12-hour rate.

I just needed a place to crash and of course take a shower. The latter was more important. I actually reckoned sleeping at T2 but the shower part would be a challenge.

I was glad to find two towels and a linen (it looked more like one than a blanket) in a plastic laundry shops usually used for freshly-washed clothes. Ligong-ligo na talaga ako. There was also a small bar soap but I've just bought a soap, thankfully, that I doubled as facial wash, which was fine. Unfortunately, they did not provide free shampoo and conditioner. I was already naked when I found out.

The bathroom was my disappointment. The room rate was supposed to be for a newly renovated room, as claimed. The toilet flush didn't work. Going the old-school way was not even easy. I had to fill the pail with around half of its capacity and empty it with some force. The faucet seemed clogged or something because it wasn't emptying water in a straight and full manner. It was spurting that I had to adjust the position of the pail. Meanwhile, the shower nozzle had a very limited range and was emptying water without giving one some satisfaction. 

Every bathroom entry got me thinking, if only I had enough to spare I would've gone to a hotel instead. Btw, their cable tv wasn't also working. There was probably some signal problems. Good thing I didn't care much about it as I just really needed to rest and sleep right away.

However, I am not sure if I am rested as my sleep was interrupted. I've been waking up every hour. Almost every time I did so, I thought it was already time to prepare. I even almost dressed for work the first time I woke up had I not seen the time. It was annoying because I was aiming for straight hours of sleep.

Now I wonder what was going on.