Work Update

I'm not doing well at work, and it's scaring me and giving me anxieties.

Went for a medical check up last Tuesday that ended up getting an MRI on Thursday. Results were out early. I got the reading last Friday afternoon but only got to see the scans yesterday dawn, which was actually quite a wrong move. Thankfully I'm not really a scaredy cat and those scans were mine.

Imagine looking at brain MRI at 3am. Yes. 😂

I pray that all will be well tomorrow. Waking up early not really that hard. Getting out of bed is. And it just so happens that I get some discomforts before hitting the sack and when I wake up. I don't know why. 😞

Not sure if my brain is still well, whether the hardware or my mental state. I've been in and out of the abyss too many times and it came early this year. Besides God's grace, first and foremost, I would like to credit the NestFest and TAPE RE:LOAD in Manila as the reasons I stuck around.

And with the MRI results I got, I think I will definitely make sure I stay out of the abyss.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - Good Goodbye

O_O

I think that expression is the best way to describe how I felt when I woke up today. How it led to such, mea culpa. Everything was my fault. And I want to cry. For real.

The crazy part was, I was excited to work today and I have everything prepared. I know. 为什么. 不 知道.

I don't know if it's related to what happened this morning, but I've been having on and off dizziness with a bit of headache.

Now Playing: AGA - Bad Day [English]

Medical Check Up

It's my second day calling in sick. Well, for today I said it's EL. Because I had to consult a doctor. My migraine had been crazy. And just this afternoon, a quarter before 1pm, it seems there's some issue with my eyes. A new headache. I hope it's just a mismatch of the specs because my eye grade have gone lower. I wish. I pray.

According to my HMO liaison, neurology isn't included in my plan. Our plan with the bureau, most likely. So I went to see an Ophthalmologist. He said my eyes had some strain and recommended eye drops. But when he asked for the pain scale, he decided to endorse me for MRI as I answered 7 and above. Also told him that I would really love to remove my head.

Creatinine test is a requirement before MRI. Because doctor's order for the latter includes contrast. The kidneys have to be able to filter it out.

So yeah, Creatinine done. Results will be out before midnight. As  for my MRI, it's scheduled this Thursday.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - Heartache

Migraine

Been having migraine since last night. It's been on and off. I thought it's because of the summer heat, but I had the suspicion that it's because of the scent I am wearing. It's a body spray I used to love pre-pandemic. I check the store last month but it's out of stock. Then I came back last week and saw it's on stock so I bought a bottle.

Seems like they changed the formulation because it's stronger and has a CN1 effect that really strongly lingers. Must be the inflation, because there's no significant price increase. It's sad because I really loved its scent.

That, or my olfactory nerve has become a bit sensitive.

My migraine last night night was really troublesome that I had to make notice of SL for today. It's annoying because I really wanted to go to work. But I had to make early notice because I was afraid I might not wake up in time to do so. My attendance this quarter has been troublesome and very far from ideal.

I guess I have to use another scent. Or maybe I'll just spray this one on my clothes a night before wearing them. Yeah, I think I'm gonna try that.

Now Playing: TAPE RE: LOAD IN MANILA

Unwell

It's day-2 of my troublesome headache. I still wonder what caused it. Though I've been pretty sleepless these past day, coming from change of shift as I am back to SR, I dare say I had good sleep the past night.

As of the moment, there's no headache episode. Thankfully. But I woke up this morning with it until I arrived in Makati.

Also, I had another panic attack last night. I was feeling uneasy but it turned into tachycardia and tachypnea when a fellow associate was putting his hand in fist form on my shoulder. Thinking about it, I must've felt like my personal space was invaded. I tried to avoid the first attempt but there was a second and a third, which really made me felt uncomfortable.

I don't mind when some people become quite touchy, but only if they've established enough rapport. I do not discriminate among genders, but I must really feel comfortable with someone to let them into my personal space, especially when it comes to physical proximity.

Anyway, the last time before last night that I had panic attack was last Saturday. I was heading to the big room when it hit me. I had to go down and manage my hyperventilation. I stayed in the building as I was planning to go back to the 9/F but my hyperventilation kept on for an hour. I think it didn't even fully subsided when I was heading home.

Speaking of going home, I was thinking it would've been better for me if I went straight home to rest. I asked if there was a training that day, for which I was told there was at 3pm. My bad, I should've asked if there's a training I could attend. My lack of clarity in my inquiry led me to waste time and suffer a panic attack.

But making the most of situation, I just took it as another day of self awareness. That I could get into a panic attack, which proven true as I just had one last night. There was also the realization that these episodes will become part of my life now until professionally addressed so I will just have to deal with it and manage it properly. How? I still don't know. I'll just compare "notes" from last Saturday and yesterday.

It's good to know that when I couldn't help but manage my hyperventilation with a paper bag, I was with Mentors Mayan and Renzo, it didn't feel too awkward and a big deal. Grateful that the latter is a Psychology grad and has better understanding of how to deal with people in situations. And as always, Mentor Mayan is someone who can always make you feel at ease and comfortable.

C'est la vie. C'est mon vie.

Now Playing: Hillsong United - Lead Me to the Cross

Stages of Recovery

I don't actually recall a so-called "Stages of Recover" when I was studying BSN. Nor did I encounter such after college. But I wonder if there is, even if it's just an assumption. If so, I'd like to check it and find out where I am at the moment.

Just like the previous year, August and September are troublesome months for me. It's like a season of visit to the abyss. I can't remember if I was able to pick myself up right away last year but for this year I think I've been quite consciously yearning for an early recovery. I guess because I had the awareness that the abyss is deeper and darker this time. I've been getting a lot of hits even back in July. Perhaps everything started in July.

Performance-wise at work, I think I'm making some significant improvements. My attendance is another story though. However, what's been hit big time from this abyss season is my business. There's been prolonged stagnancy and with this year or season's abyss visit, I must admit I've neglected it. I just couldn't push myself. And with my coping mechanism of isolation, things got worse.

Perhaps the Chinese dramas were what kept me going. And I think the turning point was when I met and processed BamBam for his departure from his last visit. I got excited and nervous at the same. I guess that was the feeling they've always been saying. I couldn't imagine such polarity until that Departure post as SA at the Annex. I was actually super late that day, and I thank God I was. Because I got to meet BamBam up close.

GOT7, GOT7! You guys always help me get out of the abyss and overcome my eclipse. Thank You, LORD, for these amazing men.

Now Playing: GOT7 - Eclipse

Hot

For the first time in years, I had fever. I didn't know how much degrees I hit but I know I had fever because there was calor and there were changes in my taste. I think I've also experienced a bit of being delirious. These all happened on the onset last Friday. And I was at work. I just didn't notice right away.

I actually felt better when I woke up last Saturday but there was a hint of lightheadedness. And later on the day, I was warm again. Every time I put a damp towel on my skin, it would later become warm. Regardless which area of my body. No wonder the mimings loved to sleep next to me.

It's actually the dizziness and lightheadedness that kept me stuck in bed. The calor just comes and goes. I did consider having a check up but the rain keeps me in bed. Thankfully it's day off today, which I was supposed to spend working on my business. But here I am, troubled with calor and social anxiety.

I pray tomorrow is a better day. I have to get up, out and about.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - The Beginning

Anxiety

I was having a GERD episode yesterday, which actually felt like an impending heart attack. And that gave me anxiety. Then the anxiety made the feeling of doom worse. I kind of worried that it would lead to that. My physical heart may be doing well, but my troubles keep mounting and I have no way out so it might not be impossible to suffer from angina.

But thinking about it, I wondered if I should sign an DNO notice.

This morning I've been wondering, what makes me excited? What makes me feel alive? What makes me look forward to experiencing it? And I wondered, how do people keep going? How do they get out of their rut?

And to those people of faith, how do they act on the word of God? But before that, how do they hold on to the word of God? I know God is faithful and true, but I can't seem to see the light.

If only I am the only suffering in the wilderness, in the desert, wherever it may be away from people. I think that would be fine. But other people get to suffer too. They get to be collateral damage. I don't know how to seek help. If there is healing for me.

I just pray that the Lord's hands would not be heavy against me. I can only take so much and I don't know what these are all for.

Not knowing if I am still of value, if I can still add value to others just keep my anxiety increasing. And this stress affects my stomach, triggering my tummy problems especially GERD. Then it makes the next or coming days worse. Such a heartbreaking cycle.

Now Playing: Lala Hsu - Hard to Get Love

Back in the Abyss

I'm still nursing myself from this abyss and it's getting more challenging as the days go by. The whole system is also out of whack. Sleep, since time immemorial, imposes a continuous challenge. And I need it the most nowadays for proper recuperation. It's stressing me out.

I haven't been watching dramas lately, though I really want to watch Yumi's Cells 2 but it's not available in legal platforms in my country. Annoying. Sometimes I watch Overlord, a Chinese costume drama. Recently I found out that Dilireba has a new drama - The Blue Whisper - but I'm only past the pilot episode. Dilreba Dilmurat is one of my favourite actors and I am particularly inclined to watch her fantasy/costume dramas so being unable to continue her recent one right away just says a lot about my current state.

With how things are going since a month or two ago, I'm kind of anxious when the night is approaching. Most of the time, I find myself lacking sleep, missing meals on time, and having unusual symptoms - back pain, headache, stomach pain, and dizziness - with the last two being the most prominent. And these past couple of days, I think I'm experiencing joint pains at night. Talk about ageing. Or maybe it was because of those stir-fry tofu.

I really hope I could recover fast and get back on my feet. It's troublesome and has affected my work. I've been calling in sick a lot. Wouldn't be surprised if my cortisol level is causing haywire in my system. Thankfully, I believe, I'm already past the desire to "cross the bridge" though I'm kind of an empty shell whenever I'm in the abyss. Well, I could only hope for the best.

Music: Lovi Poe - Under

Headache and Drowse

I am having headache right now and I don't know why. It feels unusual because it's been quite a while since I've had an headache. I think being able to sleep at night helped lessen the episodes.

This just feels weird, as if having headache is something totally new to my system and existence. I'm also feeling unusually sleep. Weird.

Now Playing: Ninomiya Kazunari - Niji

Walk-through

I spent a significant time lying in bed earlier thinking about something that has been lurking in my head for a time now. I was walking through about the idea, trying to connect those that could be affected and get involved. The idea began when I was watching a Japanese channel, though not sure if it was NHK. Such was a dream, an idea, a thought, a hope.

Now Playing: Susie Suh - Recognition

Triggered by Coffee

I am taking a short break by writing a blog entry because I am currently having minute palpitations. It's the coffee. I just finished sipping Blend 45 Barako coffee but it's not really the main cause. The coffee's more like a trigger.

When you're obsessive and compulsive, impatient and quite perfectionist... this is nothing unusual. But it still is something bothersome.

Part of the song I am listening right now says, "I hear be still..." Yeah. I have to be still, for this thing I am feeling and having right now is only the beginning. It's an INTP and INTJ thing. Oh, I recently found out that I can be INTP and sometimes INTJ. It's like my temperament. I'm primarily melancholic-choleric but could go choleric-melancholic at times. I could even go melancholic-phlegmatic. I've been mainly choleric lately and for a time now.

Now Playing: Rebecca St. James - Desperate for You

Massive Attack

I thought I was having migraine yesterday because I almost got knocked out from my headache. Perhaps I really got knocked out because I fell asleep for intermittent periods of time during my taxi ride from the condo to Pasig. Never mind that I texted no one that I was riding a cab, and obviously neither the plate number of the cab I was riding.

My headache was killing me that I even wanted to go back home. I was still in Buting when I thought about it. The pain persisted until during the service though there was a moment of peace.

Unfortunately, the pain returned around 8PM. I was having dinner at Slice. At first I wondered if it was the tuna, as I was having a tuna sandwich, or the red velvet because of its dairy content. I later realized that it was my eyes. I wasn't also having photo sensitivity. Well, I only had one photo sensitivity experience during my many migraine attacks. For now, it's time to change glasses. Can't wait for pay day.

I'm having the same headache on my left frontotemporal area while writing this blog entry. Thinking about it, I'm wondering if the 'sleeps' I had yester noon were actually moments of syncope. Poor head.

But then I wonder, is it possible that I am having migraine and tension headache at the same time? I have to visit my neurologist again. It's been years.

Now Playing: Susie Suh - Why

Frieday

I just have to take a pause because something's bothering me yet I could not quite figure out what. Perhaps my subconscious is just messing around. Ya know, like the first D of DABDA. Reminds me of what Cat told Cara. There is anger behind anger.

And that hits it. I am angry. Good heavens.

This calls for a jog. Or I just have to see Tom Keen again. Can't wait to go home in Antipolo. Hopefully, I still have enough to make it.

Phenylpropanolamine HCl

This amphetamine did what I wanted it to do: drain my sinuses. And I am grateful for that despite the dangers of taking one. My head has been hurting since 9PM that I couldn't sleep. Imagine the torture.

I actually just found out the FDA banned the use and marketing of phenylpropanolamine HCl. I wish I knew before I bought Symdex-D. Well, that was the brand given to me by the pharmacist. Hopefully my entire system will hold on. But then, the headache is back. This truly is very annoying.

I've caught the bug since Monday and it's one of those rare instances when I get knocked down. I planned for this day for another CBR so I could make it to work tomorrow. I've already missed two days of work. But then, there's my head which I fear would be useless. Not to mention having colds already set in.

So yeah, phenylpropanolamine may have done a good plumbing job initially. Yet it seems temporary. Or worse, it has done too much. Dehydration can also cause headache.

Weird but interesting dreams

June 7. 

We were riding a bus with two of the passengers being Jady and Roland M. The latter got off when the bus stopped in I don't know where.

June 7, again.

It involved a classroom setting where some of my classmates, not sure when in my student life, were also present. But I am sure to be sitting opposite Neko who was on my left. We were sitting on the front row.

Someone was speaking in front and drew close to Neko and I, sitting as he was saying something about Canada, for which we reacted with amusement and 'low' five. I mentioned to Neko, "Si Kim!" as I remembered (according to my dream) our friend/sister Kimberly saying something about Canada.

The man also whispered very close to me of which I remember saying, "I was actually thinking of Canada," and "Thank you." The gratitude was in response to something he did, which was very intimate.

I woke to this dream confused because the one who whispered to Neko and I was from Germany but now working in Switzerland, I believe. And with regard to my statement about Canada, I don't remember saying that in real life.

June 8. I was pregnant, about 4 months in gestation I think.

Running without sleep

Albeit having gone no-sleep throughout the night I decided to push my jogging plan. I was kind of worried but I felt I had to sweat things out and move some muscles. Turned out, it was a good idea.

I jogged/ran with an expression on my face as if ready to execute someone. I ran with the strong desire to do so as intense as I could and as far as possible. My sleepless body was the only thing holding me back. I didn't want to collapse or damage my body in the process.

While taking those steps, I saw myself in a different light. I saw myself better, in relation to what I'm going through lately.

Feelings were translated physically. My soul was the origin. Everything I've been feeling these past days bottled up came to the surface during that moment. I think I spent at least 30 minutes on my exercise this morning. And such time was enough to help me understand myself better. But of course, there's still so much more.

Now Playing: Cocco - やわらかな傷跡

Sleepless in Makati

If I were to assess myself, medical style, I'm afraid I'd have to recommend something pretty drastic for an intervention.

ADPIE. Both the objective and subjective assessment findings, if I'm going to be honest, point to... What I am saying is that my Nx Dx would be pretty alarming. Whatever area or aspect of health we're referring to is/are greatly affected. I've got to plan this out, carefully. This must not go on. But for something pretty passionate and obsessed like my brain, good luck to me.

I'm definitely availing those "off-set" soon. I've got 70 hours. Good heavens! 70 hours of injustice!! And that's the minimum 'cause I recently found out that I've also rendered something worth getting paid.

Sheez. Forget the gold, I'll keep the slumber.

Now Playing: One Rock - The Beginning

Countdown to Blindspot season finale

An afternoon break post...

Just five nights to go and I can see Weller and Jane again. Five nights to go before the season finale of Blindspot. I am both excited and anxious that I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Episode 22 was heart-breaking enough, because of the plot events and because it's a countdown to the end of season 1, so I am pretty sure that the season finale would be more intense. I've also read a tweet saying or quoting Jaimie Alexander about what to expect for episode 23.

Just the thought of what awaits on Tuesday night is driving me crazy.

This is the trouble when you're watching a series on "real time" because you have to follow the schedule. Sheez.

I am going to miss Patterson and that Psychiatrist as well as Tasha and Reade. Of course, Jeller's already given.

The Patterson motivation

I'm glad I pushed myself today to get up and get out of the condo and go to work. I've been not feeling well since Sunday, actually for days now, and I've already missed work yesterday. To miss another day would be detrimental to my health in every aspect.

To effectively push myself, I had to remember Patterson. FBI Special Agent Patterson from Blindspot. We are similar in a number of ways, like having work as a perfect diversion for whatever. 

I woke up this morning but got back to Lala-Land as my stomach was aching. I was still still not feeling well when I got out of bed, which was already an hour past 2 o'clock. But I knew I had to move then I'd be set in motion afterward. It happened. Thankfully. I arrived past 3PM but still...

Way to go for people like me and Patterson!