Work Update

I'm not doing well at work, and it's scaring me and giving me anxieties.

Went for a medical check up last Tuesday that ended up getting an MRI on Thursday. Results were out early. I got the reading last Friday afternoon but only got to see the scans yesterday dawn, which was actually quite a wrong move. Thankfully I'm not really a scaredy cat and those scans were mine.

Imagine looking at brain MRI at 3am. Yes. 😂

I pray that all will be well tomorrow. Waking up early not really that hard. Getting out of bed is. And it just so happens that I get some discomforts before hitting the sack and when I wake up. I don't know why. 😞

Not sure if my brain is still well, whether the hardware or my mental state. I've been in and out of the abyss too many times and it came early this year. Besides God's grace, first and foremost, I would like to credit the NestFest and TAPE RE:LOAD in Manila as the reasons I stuck around.

And with the MRI results I got, I think I will definitely make sure I stay out of the abyss.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - Good Goodbye

Another Battle Day

It's another day battling this abyss. I don't know if I did well, but I did my best to serve my people without the old-grumpy-me.

It's 1853H at the moment so I guess making it alive this far is good enough.

I just realized how it feels like to love and hate someone at the same time.

2024. Year End Thoughts, part 2

These past days have brought me roller coaster of emotions. I'm honestly having a hard time mastering them. And since yesterday I think, I've been preoccupied with a particular recurrence. Today felt like a standstill because I know I'm not in my right mind concerning this preoccupation, thus I need to soothe myself.

But my troubles have been too persistent that I even thought of a date to execute something. And such date is not too far ahead. And when I wondered why I chose that date, I could only think of anger and grief. I'm too angry with my recent decisions and actions that I want to severely punish myself. As for grief, it's because I've been asking and praying for something related to that day yet it remains stuck on me. Or rather, I am stuck with something I've been praying for God to take away. It scares me and brings me great sorrow yet it lingers that I thought it'd be best to take things into my hands and remove what I have real control of.

I was close to finalizing a decision this afternoon, even if it's not that date. But I remembered GOT7's comeback.

January 20, 2025. It's their second comeback since leaving JYPE, and the first after JJ Project completed their mandatory civil service. I don't want to miss that comeback.

How amazing that for the nth time, GOT7 is the reason I have to stay alive. Though the previous times were because of individual members. I remember when I processed BamBam for his Departure formalities, I felt reborn. Alive and energetic. Amusing how personally relatable his RIBBON song has become.

So yes. I have to stay literally alive for and until GOT7 comeback next month.

Now Playing: GOT7 - Ecplise

Stages of Recovery

I don't actually recall a so-called "Stages of Recover" when I was studying BSN. Nor did I encounter such after college. But I wonder if there is, even if it's just an assumption. If so, I'd like to check it and find out where I am at the moment.

Just like the previous year, August and September are troublesome months for me. It's like a season of visit to the abyss. I can't remember if I was able to pick myself up right away last year but for this year I think I've been quite consciously yearning for an early recovery. I guess because I had the awareness that the abyss is deeper and darker this time. I've been getting a lot of hits even back in July. Perhaps everything started in July.

Performance-wise at work, I think I'm making some significant improvements. My attendance is another story though. However, what's been hit big time from this abyss season is my business. There's been prolonged stagnancy and with this year or season's abyss visit, I must admit I've neglected it. I just couldn't push myself. And with my coping mechanism of isolation, things got worse.

Perhaps the Chinese dramas were what kept me going. And I think the turning point was when I met and processed BamBam for his departure from his last visit. I got excited and nervous at the same. I guess that was the feeling they've always been saying. I couldn't imagine such polarity until that Departure post as SA at the Annex. I was actually super late that day, and I thank God I was. Because I got to meet BamBam up close.

GOT7, GOT7! You guys always help me get out of the abyss and overcome my eclipse. Thank You, LORD, for these amazing men.

Now Playing: GOT7 - Eclipse