A Fool

A terrible fool, that's what I have been. I don't want to make excuses with whatever is going on inside and out of my personal life, for my actions have yielded to results I am not proud of. And I am utterly disappointed, but at the same time I want to show myself the love and care I need. I do not seek them from anyone but God. So everything is between me and God.

But it hurts me so bad how things have become, for there are people who depend on me. And now they will be, and are, affected.

Redeem me, O LORD. Have mercy on me according to Your lovingkindness, for Your name's sake. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation. Let me live, for the dead will not praise You. And let me live with dignity. May people bless Your name when they remember me.

Save me, O God.

"Simple Celebration"

I've just read from someone's FB MyDay story about "simple celebration" for his mother's birthday. Then it hit me.. when did I last make a celebration? When did I last celebrated my birthday?

I would always thank God on my birthday, because He allowed me to live another day, another year. But as I think about it, seems like I've been doing that out of obligation. It's like, "yeah, I'm still alive so thank You."

I am sorry, LORD. Please restore to me the joy of Your salvation.

"Don't be afraid."

A particular fear and anxiety is lurking in my head. Yes, they're one and the same so it's "is" my friend. I am embarking on a new path and I don't know how things are going to unfold. Trauma and such especially limiting beliefs are really bothering me.

But as I've been trying to calm myself, I stumbled upon a message sent to me by my mentor. It was for a different event or situation but somehow it brought me to a recurring rhema I got early this year. It's not really a rhema-rhema but rather a command to obey. Whose command? God's of course. "Do not be afraid" has been spoken by God too many times in this history of mankind, and even repeatedly to particular people.

I need to remind myself that I am in a walk in my life where I am left with nothing but keeping my faith in God, that it trust and obedience. In addition to this, it seems like my journey to healing and recovery will not be a walk in the park. It's really far from it.

But what can I do? The God I know is in control of everything. There's nothing I can really do to resist forces beyond me. C'est la vie.

Now Playing: Zhang Bichen - 光的方向

Burning

These days have been driving me crazy. There are things I want but couldn't pursue as the primary and basic pre-requisite is missing. I could barely "feel" still because of it. It's a tug of war between being still and acting on faith.

As a person of faith, I am fully aware that things happen with the Lord's permission. So for that we can rest with hope and peace. And yet, it is equally important to remember that faith without works is dead. Faith does not equate to laziness. Far from it!

A lot of times I would wonder how much am I missing out because I haven't gone the extra mile, or because I am not even doing the bare minimum..

Tasukete kudasai.

Unwell

It's day-2 of my troublesome headache. I still wonder what caused it. Though I've been pretty sleepless these past day, coming from change of shift as I am back to SR, I dare say I had good sleep the past night.

As of the moment, there's no headache episode. Thankfully. But I woke up this morning with it until I arrived in Makati.

Also, I had another panic attack last night. I was feeling uneasy but it turned into tachycardia and tachypnea when a fellow associate was putting his hand in fist form on my shoulder. Thinking about it, I must've felt like my personal space was invaded. I tried to avoid the first attempt but there was a second and a third, which really made me felt uncomfortable.

I don't mind when some people become quite touchy, but only if they've established enough rapport. I do not discriminate among genders, but I must really feel comfortable with someone to let them into my personal space, especially when it comes to physical proximity.

Anyway, the last time before last night that I had panic attack was last Saturday. I was heading to the big room when it hit me. I had to go down and manage my hyperventilation. I stayed in the building as I was planning to go back to the 9/F but my hyperventilation kept on for an hour. I think it didn't even fully subsided when I was heading home.

Speaking of going home, I was thinking it would've been better for me if I went straight home to rest. I asked if there was a training that day, for which I was told there was at 3pm. My bad, I should've asked if there's a training I could attend. My lack of clarity in my inquiry led me to waste time and suffer a panic attack.

But making the most of situation, I just took it as another day of self awareness. That I could get into a panic attack, which proven true as I just had one last night. There was also the realization that these episodes will become part of my life now until professionally addressed so I will just have to deal with it and manage it properly. How? I still don't know. I'll just compare "notes" from last Saturday and yesterday.

It's good to know that when I couldn't help but manage my hyperventilation with a paper bag, I was with Mentors Mayan and Renzo, it didn't feel too awkward and a big deal. Grateful that the latter is a Psychology grad and has better understanding of how to deal with people in situations. And as always, Mentor Mayan is someone who can always make you feel at ease and comfortable.

C'est la vie. C'est mon vie.

Now Playing: Hillsong United - Lead Me to the Cross

7 or 8

I can't count the time when I would want to leave for a very long time. I've always thought that isolation and keeping distance would help me heal. And yet every time I would want to, I would be pulled back in. Whether for filial piety or some supernatural intervention, I end up staying.

Random: I am at a cafe atm and how I wish I brought some pika-pika. Those sunflower seeds, plum candies, and dates would be nice to nibble.

I pray I'd be able to do what I am supposed to in this lifetime. I woke up today and so there's still something I have to accomplish.

Now Playing: Chris Tomlin - Your Grace is Enough

Murphy's Law

I am drowning with all these troubles. I could think of a bit of help, but I couldn't get everything I need. At the same time I am wondering, why. Why am I still breathing, seeing another day, and keep on living?

Of course, I know not the answer to these things. So I can only thank God for allowing me to live another day. But I am scared. I am worried.

Wondering until when this will go on, I can only wish to live each day as someone making sure not to waste Earth space. If I could ask God to turn back time, I would and I'd turn it back before all these started. I don't know if redemption will come unto me, but I wish God would be merciful to redeem me. I need that so much. I need His salvation.

I do not wish to trouble anyone, so I pray I could trouble God to look at me with kindness and mercy. I pray He would save me once again.

Now Playing: Aimer - Ref:rain

Thank You, LORD!

I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

♫ You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same;

You are amazing, God ♫

Primera de Octubre

It's been five days since we got back from Israel. Five days have past yet my system seems to be still following Israel's timezone. There are signs and symptoms. They could be really jet lag related or maybe something else. Perhaps a combination of both. Nevertheless, it's good to be back. But at the same time I am looking forward to going back to Israel. I pray I could even before the Sukkot.

Since arriving back to the Philippines, I've been making a mental countdown. I'm on my last day of the countdown for tomorrow is a reset of things. For that I want it to count. I want it to be full of thanksgiving and gratefulness, without sugar-coating unpleasant things.

Scales have been removed from my eyes and I have a better vision now. There are a lot of things that my heart has finally seen and acknowledged. That is an answered prayer - a change of heart. I've also learned to embrace things, some of which involved dismissing my introvert / INTP / INTJ / choleric nature.

For days something has been echoing in my mind. As I happened to scan through the Song of Songs, I stumbled upon this:

...I am dark, because the sun has looked upon me...

It's on the first chapter of the book, part sixth. When I read it, I smiled and laughed. I loved it, for I have loved my skin tone more than I did before leaving for Israel. I don't know but I just like it even though there were times I looked darker. The photo above showcased my darkest tone among the photos I've had. But what is there to not like? It's the colour God gave me.

Sometimes though my skin tone would look lighter. Perhaps it's the light hitting the pigments of my melanin. I don't exactly know how that goes but that's quite a chameleon feat. For lack of better description.. Of course, it has something to do with the light.

The Past...

Originally posted on: 18 August 2013

------------------------------------------------

I was checking my old blog and read some stuff there. Some things suddenly resurfaced and were brought into my memory. Silly. I’m glad I’ve already closed that blog. I’ve been using it for 5 years but the time had come when I had to end my “relationship” with such blog. Time to start things over. And I did.

Reading some entries reminded me how “cold-hearted” I was. But it was like my natural coping mechanism. I was quick to dismiss any emotions, but not without physical manifestation. Booyah!

Now Playing: Utada Hikaru – Flavour of Life

Looking forward to the day of judgment

The theory that I am an isolated case is getting stronger. I'm particularly left out, unpaid of what the firm legally owes me while the others already got paid. Perhaps it's because I reached out to the higher office. I dare say this is harassment. It's been three days and counting.

Should I file another complaint? It seems like the higher office is making some delaying tactics, either because it's Christmas or because they "partnered" with the firm. I know I am making accusations but I have reasons for such conclusions.

If anything in this world fails us, I know there is still the day of judgment when we will take account of everything we've done. Before the court of the heavens, no one can falsely make claims. No one would dare to. For what is man that he would stand up before his Creator and deny the truth of his actions, or even inaction?

Sure it does hurt to be maltreated and harassed. Makes me think sometimes if we're still living in the times of Spanish colonization that people would be abused in every way possible.

Still, I believe what God said, on what He proclaimed and promised. Vengeance is the LORD's. I may not have my justice this time, in my lifetime, or here on earth. But surely, my justice will be given me in time, for all eternity.

For now let me speak of my troubles. Let me sort out what I truly feel. Time will come when I will be mum. Time will come when, hopefully, I shall no longer be troubled by this misfortunes yet only hoping for the day of judgment. But I do not intend to forget this. Like David ben-Jesse, I shall not dismiss an injustice I got to witness, especially if it's done to people who could neither speak nor fight for themselves. That may sound  grand but I pray I'd be able to take practical steps to truly deliver.

David now reminds me of something else that has been my preoccupation. Such and those I've seen even earlier on TV make me really want to push for this preoccupation. But I don't know if the heavens will grant me this. Even so, I can trust God that all things will work out for good. For those who love Him.

Regret? Disappointment?

I am thinking which I actually feel at the moment.

It's been three sets of payments after a particular firm got one of their acts together, because they got fined. It's also been the third time the same particular firm missed to pay me on time. This got me thinking if it's an isolated case because the others already got paid. Oh yeah, besides the due payment the firm also failed to settle my other accounts albeit my number of attempts to reach out and remind them of these dues.

Don't ask me though for the specific number of times. I've lost count.

Regret. I'm not really sure about this. I believe things happen for a reason. If you can't figure out what, make your own reason. I can't really say I regret partnering with this firm because I've learned a lot, though it's given I make out the most of the possible learning I could get out of something. I'm an INTP after all. Besides, I've also met nice people. Of course, we can't dismiss meeting not-so-nice people too. Yet I can't deny that somewhere at the back of my mind there's a thought of regret for saying yes to someone who brought me back to this firm.

Disappointment. For all these months spent stretching my patience, spending such time for perhaps in vain, putting myself up in a lot of... yeah, disappointment. There's been just a lot all these time especially after trying to reach out, hoping the firm would treat me humanely.

I am tired. I don't want to speak any more of disappointment, not even about regret.

Before finding out about my third consecutive late due payment, I told myself that I would settle what people owe me. It's like a seven-year-sabbath when you cancel debts. I intend to do that. I would free people from what they owe me before the end years. But, at the same time, I will lift all these debts to the LORD. I will let God do the judging.

"Vengeance is Mine," says the LORD. "I will repay."

In short, karma. That gives me peace.

Now Playing: A1 - Make It Good

Guilty

I hate guilt. But I hate more what I did that led to this guilt. Perhaps it's more of a conviction, or something..

Some of the things I've read just a while ago reminded me big time how much I failed to stop something from happening that I'm hating myself right now.

And because of what happened, I couldn't do what I usually do whenever I meet Mang Jesus and Christian. I saw them earlier on my way to work. And it happened when Christian was awake. Ugh. He's usually asleep whenever I see this father and son. It's good to see him looking good. Please, God, be merciful to them.

I hate this. I hate what I did. I hate what I did not do. But who's to blame? Mea culpa.

Now Playing: K'naan - Wavin' Flag

Spin

I am surprised how the brain can stretch to handle a number of things at the same time and simultaneously. Sometimes I feel like asking my brain if it gets dizzy doing that, then I would remember the times such actually happened. 

There were even a point in time when I got so upset because I felt required to handle a number of things albeit by limitations. It was the first time I hated information overload. But after that, things seemed to have gone lighter. Let's just not talk about emotions.

The events these past couple of days quite remind me of the circular motion typical in our universe.

Things seem to spin 'round and 'round, pulling things to the core, bring 'em deep into the unknown. It's dizzying but only if you pay unnecessary attention to how things move. Yet if you look at particular things and focus on them when group, you'll see how each stand on its own with it's very own force.

Of course there's a lot of moment in my day when I come to fully sense how overwhelming things could get that I just wish it's already Thursday. Heaven knows what comes every Thursday. Or, when it's not Thursday, just take a nap (lots of it rather), play with the dogs, eat, or eat.

I'm going to need long walks.

Now Playing: Utada Hikaru - Flavour of Life

Yom Kippur thoughts

Yom Kippur has just ended but I feel like I have to treat the next days as one. First, I'm no orthodox in observing this holiday. I don't remember being orthodox with anything. Judaism is not my religion. I don't even have one to begin with. But I am a Christian.

The thing that sticks most with me within the past 24 hours is how I make choices in this life. I can't just "live" in a fleeting manner. I'm not here to simply get through the day, so I make the most of what I have and what I can the best way I know and believe.

Since last month, something has been pretty persistent that it has become quite a preoccupation. It got stronger each day that I would sometimes find myself  "consumed" by it. It just won't let go. I've thought that I got to do something about it. It's not going to be easy. There will be a lot of uncertainties, not to mention that I am quite cynical so good luck to that. But despite all these, I know that I have to "follow" it, lest I either regret it when my life ends or get bothered every single day.

If I fail, I thought, so be it. I know I would give my best shot, which somehow puts me at ease. I just want to make sure that I am not neglecting it.

Earlier, a moment of anxiety hit me. But I got reminded of all the people who failed, not once or even twice, until they made it. I got reminded of someone's post saying that if it doesn't scare you then you don't really want it, something like that. Not knowing what tomorrow holds without any guarantee that I can take hold of the control wheel...

But I know I still have something that I can truly control - my reaction. It's a matter of faith and what mine is made of.

Now Playing: Bon Jovi - Always

Storing Memory

I'll have to improve my memory, the ability to store long term memories that is. And I have to remind myself to be patient and forgiving.

The choleric in me makes it harder than it already is. I know things take time but I can't help getting upset if I sense that my brain is not storing an information into long term. What's making things worse is the fact that I'm also entertaining other thoughts when I should be narrowing things down and just focus.

I am trying to learn a few words in Spanish at the moment but I can't seem to register the words. It's so annoying that I could hardly focus.

Riptide of Injustice

If I could kill someone right now, I would not. But the INTJ in me could think of ways to fare better. Yet I am holding my peace.

Well, I am frustrated at the moment. And now I am truly angry that my disappointments have turned into loathing. This injustice has been going on for long. To say it's "already too much" is an understatement.

But as I have said, I am holding my peace.

My anger, when unleashed, strikes like a double-edged sword. The injury I get is the LORD's judgment, which I wish not to suffer. For who can stand before the LORD, our God who is a consuming fire? He who avenges the oppressed?

For now I present this injustice before the God who sees everything, even that which is hidden in dark. I leave vengeance to the LORD of Hosts, to Him who executes judgment to everyone.

My anger wishes to consume like a fire, but satisfaction shall not come. Thus, this course is what's left of me. It's the best and most appropriate one I know at this moment.

May God judge between you and me.

Search and Rescue.

20 May 2016. 12:30AM

I just have to post this concern here. It's been my preoccupation these past days.

I've been looking for someone particular but my search before was not as assertive as the one I'm having recently to the point of almost obsession. What changed? Time. I'm racing against time. I don't even want to imagine what awaits if I lose. Too dangerous. There's just no way to go but find this person.

There were days when I would find this person but I usually barely have the opportunity to "catch" the person. My target is very elusive and fluid, having the ability to adapt into the environment. Sometimes my target blends in, sometimes it stands out. Either way, it's not easy to see its real identity.

Now Playing: Inner Universe (Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex OST)


21 May 2016. 03:00AM
I'm having sleep problem. I can't remember for how long now but I think it's been as long as I've gone started on my search project, which by the way is getting stronger by the hour. I really feel like I have to chase something.

Right now what bothers me is the realization that I am affected by something concerning my choices. When it comes to a particular category, I would back off and have lots of reservations when unlike before I would not be having second thoughts. It's like having this category is synonymous with drawing out my yes or affirmation.

But things have changed.


25 May 2016. 07:10PM
I had an appointment earlier that gets me confused on what to do. It's my chance to go Patterson but that could mean hanging around. On the other hand, I don't know how to start with the farewell. Meanwhile, a referral could have me dropped in an island.

Truth be told, I don't know which to choose.


19 June 2016. 5:16PM
I've been asked to make preparations and I wonder if I could complete the task. Part of me, like a big part of me, wants to. Another part of me wonders. It's an anxiety for I know not what shall be. I'm still hoping to have a shot to go Patterson. Yet I wonder, shall I be led to take a road similar, even quite, to what Alex and Liz had?

The confusion only grows.

22 June 2016. 08:07PM
June 20 got me doubting someone again. Made me wonder, what if his plans succeed? Will I get trapped again?

24 June 2016. 04:20PM
I've been listening to Susie Suh's songs lately, thanks to The Blacklist, and I just fell in love with her songs. It's like everything I feel were put into words, into song. There are a lot of songs that stand out though some only bear some lines not the entire song. But for Lucille, good heavens! It speaks how I feel these past days.

15 August 2016. 10:20PM
It's been almost two months since I updated this draft. I've seen glimpses of my target during these times but I can imagine the second thoughts given the events unfolding and continue to unfold. As of now, I'm holding on to the Scriptures I read earlier.

"...we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..." - Romans 5:3,4

Maundy Thursday

I am thankful that I got to choose Thursday as my off-set day during this Holy Week. My real reason was Football. I decided right away with the Philippines' away match against Uzbekistan in mind then later realized that Friday would've been a better option because my regular day-off is Saturday. It was a late realization that I was willing to change, if my colleague was also and only willing. She was fine with the initial schedule we set so we stuck to it.

The Maundy Thursday - Black Saturday 12-hour shift/staff schedule was made back in Monday, or was it Tuesday. Anyway, came Monday and I got a text from Ate Kay asking if I had work on Thursday. Turned out, I could still attend the 27th NPG albeit already the last day.

My life in the past couple of weeks had been not good. It was worse than a roller coaster. To sum it up, I got face the truth, once again, that God is mighty to save. During one of the praise and worship 'sessions' we sang You're All I Need. Some of its lines say: ♫ Never let me go... Help me find the way. Bring me back to You. ♫ Indeed, even if we have been unfaithful, the Lord Jesus is and will ever be faithful. I've sang that song many times before with all sincerity especially on the "never let me go" part.

As hours passed by yesterday, I've come to be reminded about another side of God's love. I don't know if I'm using the right term, but I got to see the connection between God's love and justice in a better sense. It was like being projected before me.

Among the attributes of God, one of the most that really "ring loud" to me is God's justice. I know and believe that He is merciful, but I also know that His justice is tremendous. No one will escape it. We will all be judged. As I was saying according to what I saw and better understood yesterday, God's love draws us to Him. I was drawn Him. I have to add that His love is indeed so powerful. Love covers a multitude of sins. God's love is so powerful that once we respond to that, I mean truly respond (because it is not just about saying "I receive Your love, Lord" then do nothing after), we can be spared from the wrath of His judgment. Well, if we obey Him, we will still be judged but for us to be rewarded. So yes, everyone will be judged.

I really don't know how to put it well. Only the Holy Spirit can reveal things and the deeper things of God. Let me try nonetheless.

God's love is drawing us and is removing the fears that are appropriate of one who is guilty of sin (For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.). If I were to quote Natasha Romanov, I dare say that I have a lot of reds on my ledger. Anyway, once we truly walk in love we will be spared from judgment. Because once judgment comes, there's no escape. His mercy will not be enough to spare us. Why? Because His mercy has already been poured out before that great and awesome [judgment] day of the Lord.

Although I depict it as "mercy before justice/judgment," it's actually "judgment before mercy" for us. Let me get this straight though, between God's justice and mercy neither comes before the other. I did say, however, "judgment before mercy" because out of God's love (it will always be the reason) He showed us mercy by executing justice. How? When Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty of our sins. That was justice, because He was merciful to us.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 6:23). God's justice had to be met. Justice could only be served once the penalty of death is paid. Jesus Christ met that requirement. And now, here comes mercy.

Love -- mercy1 -- justice (through Christ's death) -- mercy2 -- justice/judgment

Love - It's the main reason God is so good to us. It's also the reason for all the discipline we're going through. What is man that He is mindful of us?
Mercy1 - I could't put or explain it well yet, but I'd say it's the reason 'death' in Romans 6:23 has not been fully executed to mankind.
Justice - To meet Romans 6:23, Jesus Christ died in our place. And God's requirement was met. "It is finished."
Mercy2 - As we are still in this world and still live with fleshly bodies, chances are still there that we get to sin but not deliberately. But even if deliberately, God's mercy is there. His mercies are new every morning. This mercy allows us to get out of the mud and have ourselves cleansed.

But do not be mocked. We cannot mock God. Yes, I am also talking to myself. If we do not respond to God's love and mercy appropriately, we're in for a lot of trouble on the day of judgment.

Justice/Judgment - When the day God will judge us all, all provisions for acquittal (love, mercy, grace) will no longer be available. God has given us enough time (this is His grace) to claim His mercy.

Going back to what I realized yesterday, (on a personal context) God brought me back to Him out of His love and mercy. Had I not responded, each day would bring me closer to a fearsome judgment which would call for my doom. Be holy, for your God is holy. Although my decision to pick Thursday as off-set was Football, God knew and did better. I even got to see my friends from CDO again.

My friends/spiritual family from CDO has a special place in my heart and life. They do remind me of a number of things, which mostly are about the things to come.

Today's reading is John 15, where Jesus said, "Apart from Me you can do nothing." Indeed! It is so true in every area of my life. Moreover, it's a good reminder that I "couldn't do anything" without Him. It's a simple Math. With Christ, all is well. Without Christ, it's trouble.

Although I am aware of it, I dare say that I am now more dependent on Christ. My spirit tells me that it's like without Christ I am as good as dead. I've experienced that. Without Jesus, life has just no meaning. It was like it would've been better for me to have not existed. But I thank God that such is not the case. I see things better again. Life is worth living because my Saviour lives.