Joshua

I think I got excited before my OP appointment for C' Charlez earlier. Because I was reading stuff about the gemstone Ruby then from scrolling online, I stumbled upon a command to obey that I turned into a promise to claim.

OMG. The song that's randomly playing atm is One OK Rock's CLOCK STRIKES. In some of its lines it says: I'll always be here / Believe it till the end // I won't go away and won't say never.

How reassuring.

RT and US

RT

Since discovering Russia Today last year, I've never been interested to mainstream media anymore. Not that I stopped watching or listening to some. It's just that my standards were raised as the news I read from RT are relevant but usually unreported by most media outlets. I also appreciate the perspective.

Of course there will be an obvious difference of perspective. RT is state-owned, by Russia obviously. As a person who likes or prefers to listen to both or all parties involved, it's good to know a different point of view albeit the source is linked to a state that's quite controversial. Thinking about it, Russia deserves the benefit of the doubt. At the same time, we can't just take what the West says on face value.

US

As a Filipino, I think it's given if I give Uncle Sam more benefit of the doubt. But there's just a lot of conspiracy theories things that have happened, are happening, and will happen that feed doubts and concerns on our supposed ally, not just for issues concerning the Philippines but about their foreign policy in general. 

It's heart breaking. You can't help but question their motives and sincerity. I understand that they have to think of their personal interest before us, and that's how things should be, but not through abuse and deceit and what have you. No wonder our current president hates Uncle Sam.

I don't hate Uncle Sam. Not anymore. Not since I started rooting for the New York Yankees and got reminded of John 3:16. Because yes, God loves the Americans too. The Lord Jesus also died for them. Ergo, I have to love them. Based on 1 Corinthians 13. But don't expect me to be so fond of them the way most of my countrymen do because I still remember why the child in me didn't like the Americans. Let's just say I've forgiven them for what they did to the Filipinos back in history.

Yeah, I've never been fond of the Americans since I was a kid, even before I graduated from primary school.

I think I have to be proud of my little self because even at young age, I've had an independent and non-mainstream mentality. Silly as it may sound but I think I want to meet my little self and give her a pat on the back, tell her that she's doing fine. And that she's cool.

Now Playing: Susie Suh - Lucille

Search and Rescue.

20 May 2016. 12:30AM

I just have to post this concern here. It's been my preoccupation these past days.

I've been looking for someone particular but my search before was not as assertive as the one I'm having recently to the point of almost obsession. What changed? Time. I'm racing against time. I don't even want to imagine what awaits if I lose. Too dangerous. There's just no way to go but find this person.

There were days when I would find this person but I usually barely have the opportunity to "catch" the person. My target is very elusive and fluid, having the ability to adapt into the environment. Sometimes my target blends in, sometimes it stands out. Either way, it's not easy to see its real identity.

Now Playing: Inner Universe (Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex OST)


21 May 2016. 03:00AM
I'm having sleep problem. I can't remember for how long now but I think it's been as long as I've gone started on my search project, which by the way is getting stronger by the hour. I really feel like I have to chase something.

Right now what bothers me is the realization that I am affected by something concerning my choices. When it comes to a particular category, I would back off and have lots of reservations when unlike before I would not be having second thoughts. It's like having this category is synonymous with drawing out my yes or affirmation.

But things have changed.


25 May 2016. 07:10PM
I had an appointment earlier that gets me confused on what to do. It's my chance to go Patterson but that could mean hanging around. On the other hand, I don't know how to start with the farewell. Meanwhile, a referral could have me dropped in an island.

Truth be told, I don't know which to choose.


19 June 2016. 5:16PM
I've been asked to make preparations and I wonder if I could complete the task. Part of me, like a big part of me, wants to. Another part of me wonders. It's an anxiety for I know not what shall be. I'm still hoping to have a shot to go Patterson. Yet I wonder, shall I be led to take a road similar, even quite, to what Alex and Liz had?

The confusion only grows.

22 June 2016. 08:07PM
June 20 got me doubting someone again. Made me wonder, what if his plans succeed? Will I get trapped again?

24 June 2016. 04:20PM
I've been listening to Susie Suh's songs lately, thanks to The Blacklist, and I just fell in love with her songs. It's like everything I feel were put into words, into song. There are a lot of songs that stand out though some only bear some lines not the entire song. But for Lucille, good heavens! It speaks how I feel these past days.

15 August 2016. 10:20PM
It's been almost two months since I updated this draft. I've seen glimpses of my target during these times but I can imagine the second thoughts given the events unfolding and continue to unfold. As of now, I'm holding on to the Scriptures I read earlier.

"...we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..." - Romans 5:3,4

Love...

Remembering Mary Grace

Just one more sleep, or two, and it'll be my off duty again. Hurray!

My last two off duties, apparently, were spent albeit not entirely in one particular place. And it's not in our residence in Antipolo. I got to have my July 4 breakfast at Mary Grace and my July 11 dinner also at Mary Grace. It was not planned. It just happened, first out of curiosity and second because I ran out of available options.

It was interesting. The place is quite cozy. And I like their washroom, it kind of made me feel like a hobbit.

Written on the "wall" (which was basically the 'base' of the stairs going to the second floor) was a command and reminder from the Lord Jesus.

The Beginning of Months

This month shall be for you the beginning of months. It shall be the first month of the year for you. 

- Exodus 12:2

The scripture above is taken from today's daily Bible reading (reference). It is so timely for today is the first day of the month of March. However, something else hit me.

I made a mistake on this first day. No, it's not about coming to work at 8AM when I'm actually on mid-shift every Tuesday. Going back, it feels terrible and horrible. I need a change of mind for this, like never to toy with the thought again. Ever. I don't want to go back that way. It breaks my heart.

When I woke up this morning, I had a dream which made me think that such served as a warning. But heeding the warning I did not. So now I suffer the consequence.

I believe what God said in 1 John 1:9, but something else seems missing. It's definitely on my part though I am not sure what. If only I could turn back time. However, if such was possible would I really turn away from it?

While writing this, as I am on my dinner break, I am listening to "Repentance from Dead Works" by Rev. Neville Johnson. Doing so makes me more convicted of what I did. But I think I also feel condemned. It's heart-breaking.

"I'm working for God."

Colossians 3:23 has been my mantra for this year. It's still in my heart but the words seemed to have been quite faint lately. I would like to believe that God wants me to remember this command, for the past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy. I even reckoned asking, albeit without letting anyone hear, "What am I doing with my life?" I'm doing things that are not within my usual scope of responsibility. But thinking about it, I've always been like that. I've always been "thrown" into situations that were not my expertise, that were not my field. It's nothing unusual.

I got a conversation with someone this morning and he said the words that I used as a title of this blog entry. It hit me. What he said has been ringing in my head and soul almost throughout the day. It was a good reminder. Indeed, I am working for the LORD. I still have that thought but perhaps I need to hear it from someone else, again. And now I am reminded with what Jesus said, that only those who do the will of His Father will enter the Kingdom of God. We talked about this in our PT last Wednesday.

So yes, whatever God asks me to do that I will do. And I pray that I'll be able to really do so, to really know what He wants me to do. And once again, I am reminded of my Command to Obey scripture today. "Listen to Him." Yes, listen to the Lord Jesus I must and I'd never go wrong.

I am the LORD's servant and I am working for God.