2026 Initial Update

Haven't written much these past months on my blogs. Yes, I do have more than one. For this domain, it's about random personal experiences. In another, it's about movies or dramas I've watched. I haven't updated that one as well.

The past quarter of the past year was quite bumpy with frequent hiccups and mostly trying to stay around. I'm still trying to figure out how to cheat my way out should I experience that again, which I pray I don't anymore. It's still vivid in my head the memories of that night when I had to squeeze out reasons not to give in.

Thankfully, I am in better headspace these past weeks. And that reminds me and makes me wonder if there were traces of that abyss residue when my 中医 医生 checked on me.

I should update more often.

Now Playing: Zeng Keni & Du Zhiwen - Falling You

Is this my karma?

This was written back in April 2nd but I wasn't able to publish it, and I can't remember why. It's been months and looking back I don't seem as bothered as I was when I was writing this. Even so, I thought I should post it.

Someone's silence is bothering me tremendously. Then I looked back on the times I may have been "silent" with someone particular. Defending myself, it was because that person's messages were unimportant for me. And at times when I was upset with this person, just turned out *toot* isn't important to me. Unimportant enough for me to bother responding.

Then relating that to my current situation, I realized that it should be no big deal. I'm just not important to that person. And I haven't merited enough respect from him to at least get an acknowledgment. And as someone who doesn't push myself to anyone, we'll leave it as that.

I told myself weeks ago to only communicate things professionally. Nothing that can be considered even on the level of being acquaintance. But I didn't follow that rule, so here I am having this mental stress. But I guess it's good to know where I really stand.

This person I was talking about doesn't affect me like before. I'm having a sense of mental freedom and I would like it to keep going. It's always a great feeling to be able to think, speak, and act without reservations.

Now Watching: BamBam IG Live

A Fool

A terrible fool, that's what I have been. I don't want to make excuses with whatever is going on inside and out of my personal life, for my actions have yielded to results I am not proud of. And I am utterly disappointed, but at the same time I want to show myself the love and care I need. I do not seek them from anyone but God. So everything is between me and God.

But it hurts me so bad how things have become, for there are people who depend on me. And now they will be, and are, affected.

Redeem me, O LORD. Have mercy on me according to Your lovingkindness, for Your name's sake. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation. Let me live, for the dead will not praise You. And let me live with dignity. May people bless Your name when they remember me.

Save me, O God.

"Simple Celebration"

I've just read from someone's FB MyDay story about "simple celebration" for his mother's birthday. Then it hit me.. when did I last make a celebration? When did I last celebrated my birthday?

I would always thank God on my birthday, because He allowed me to live another day, another year. But as I think about it, seems like I've been doing that out of obligation. It's like, "yeah, I'm still alive so thank You."

I am sorry, LORD. Please restore to me the joy of Your salvation.

Medical Check Up

It's my second day calling in sick. Well, for today I said it's EL. Because I had to consult a doctor. My migraine had been crazy. And just this afternoon, a quarter before 1pm, it seems there's some issue with my eyes. A new headache. I hope it's just a mismatch of the specs because my eye grade have gone lower. I wish. I pray.

According to my HMO liaison, neurology isn't included in my plan. Our plan with the bureau, most likely. So I went to see an Ophthalmologist. He said my eyes had some strain and recommended eye drops. But when he asked for the pain scale, he decided to endorse me for MRI as I answered 7 and above. Also told him that I would really love to remove my head.

Creatinine test is a requirement before MRI. Because doctor's order for the latter includes contrast. The kidneys have to be able to filter it out.

So yeah, Creatinine done. Results will be out before midnight. As  for my MRI, it's scheduled this Thursday.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - Heartache

"Don't be afraid."

A particular fear and anxiety is lurking in my head. Yes, they're one and the same so it's "is" my friend. I am embarking on a new path and I don't know how things are going to unfold. Trauma and such especially limiting beliefs are really bothering me.

But as I've been trying to calm myself, I stumbled upon a message sent to me by my mentor. It was for a different event or situation but somehow it brought me to a recurring rhema I got early this year. It's not really a rhema-rhema but rather a command to obey. Whose command? God's of course. "Do not be afraid" has been spoken by God too many times in this history of mankind, and even repeatedly to particular people.

I need to remind myself that I am in a walk in my life where I am left with nothing but keeping my faith in God, that it trust and obedience. In addition to this, it seems like my journey to healing and recovery will not be a walk in the park. It's really far from it.

But what can I do? The God I know is in control of everything. There's nothing I can really do to resist forces beyond me. C'est la vie.

Now Playing: Zhang Bichen - 光的方向

Raising Vibrations

This is the thought that has been running in my head these past days. As they say, or as I've heard, "Don't look like your problem." 💯 

I want to look for resources while keeping my vibrations at least neutral. We got to be realistic to avoid being delusional, but our reality can be actually altered. And I want it to be a good one.

When I woke up this morning, my mind was filled with the thought of heading to Mitsukoshi Mall. It seems I want some visible and tangible reminders of the existence of wealth. But I really want to go there to check more Japanese products, especially facial cleansers and hair products.

I didn't go there though because I want to save time. I might end up window shopping without any accomplishment. And if I purchase any, it might be impulsive. I also had to think of travel time, esp coming from BGC back to Baclaran. I moved places btw.

Speaking of moving, I might have to move out soon. The internet connection in my neighbourhood including in our unit is not really good.

I kind of miss Singapore, still.

Now playing: Jay B - Switch It Up

Losing and Finding + TAPE:RE LOAD Manila

These quarter is giving that sense of getting lost, and also getting found. As always, it's just a matter of perspective.

An offer was presented to me last month. As I am a noob in this endeavour, I am taking the trust fall. But bloody effing hell, I am not sure if I should take a U-turn. I am not going to point any finger  to anyone. I am owning every decision I make, the good and the bad. This is just a new path I am taking and I am not sure how to carry on this accountability.

With all these things wearing my mind, I am just thankful that I attended Jay B's first solo concert this year. And I get to do so with a batchmate. Really grateful. Because TAPE:RE LOAD Manila was a blast. And I actually thought Filo Ahgases/Beomies could've done better. One thing is for sure though. Everyone's having a PCD.

As for me, I am picking pieces of myself to rebuild things and make sense of this life this year, so far. And as always, I am preparing myself for a journey of solitude and abandonment.

Now Playing: Up Dharma Down - Paagi

Those "7 signs"

I stumbled upon this reel on IG that shares the 7 signs that a man is manifesting you. And boy, I think I got almost every item checked. There's one in particular that I have to admit hating to experience. Or maybe there are two...

1. I don't know how often "random" could get.

2. It's a unique name but the initials usually just pop out of nowhere, when I'm not on "random" thinking of this person. As for things that remind me, there a lot. Like a lot. Again, it happens when I am not experiencing number 1.

3. Ugh. 'Nuff said.

4. The showing up happens in random, like yeah unexpectedly. But I have a bad theory whenever this happens.

5. Good heavens. I want this to stop. Brain, please.

6. I don't know if I actually experience this or is it because I tend to randomly think of him. Perhaps I should stop making memories with him. But our interactions are inevitable.

7. For those times that remind me of this, I think I'm just being delulu...

For real. I want these to stop. I want to move forward and have my mind filled with other things, and of course other people.

Now Playing: Ai Higuchi i If Filled with Rain

Joshua

I think I got excited before my OP appointment for C' Charlez earlier. Because I was reading stuff about the gemstone Ruby then from scrolling online, I stumbled upon a command to obey that I turned into a promise to claim.

OMG. The song that's randomly playing atm is One OK Rock's CLOCK STRIKES. In some of its lines it says: I'll always be here / Believe it till the end // I won't go away and won't say never.

How reassuring.

SB App Update and 2025 Planner Thoughts

I finally retrieved by SB app account, thankfully. I just gave the wrong email address last Sunday for password reset. Lol. So I guess I need to record my login and password details.

Also, I just completed the 17 stickers requirement for Starbucks' holiday giveaways. I haven't decided yet should I claim an item or sell it. I do like the 2025 planner. It's simple and keeps every date within a month's section, which is a must for me. It doesn't look bulky as well, thus if I get one it won't take too much weight and space in my bag.

Well, I'm having these thoughts and considerations because I recently bought a 2020 planner. Thankfully it's undated so only the monthly calendars need alteration. 2020 was a leap year. 2025 is not. This planner is from Sterling and it's really simple. It has extra leaves or pages for personal notes etc. That'll work for me. But it doesn't have divisions per month. So I'm wondering how to use it: for prayer request maybe? Or that daily declarations? But its daily section won't be enough for that. I was thinking of using it for gratitude journal as well but I sometimes go for gratitude rampage. Then it won't be enough.

I think I've seen another 2025 planner that fits my preference, but I don't really want to buy another stuff. I want to keep a lifestyle of less carbon footprint.

Now Playing: Kathryn Zenkina - Is the Law of Attraction Working Against You in Your Business?

Another Battle Day

It's another day battling this abyss. I don't know if I did well, but I did my best to serve my people without the old-grumpy-me.

It's 1853H at the moment so I guess making it alive this far is good enough.

I just realized how it feels like to love and hate someone at the same time.

2024. Year End Thoughts, part 2

These past days have brought me roller coaster of emotions. I'm honestly having a hard time mastering them. And since yesterday I think, I've been preoccupied with a particular recurrence. Today felt like a standstill because I know I'm not in my right mind concerning this preoccupation, thus I need to soothe myself.

But my troubles have been too persistent that I even thought of a date to execute something. And such date is not too far ahead. And when I wondered why I chose that date, I could only think of anger and grief. I'm too angry with my recent decisions and actions that I want to severely punish myself. As for grief, it's because I've been asking and praying for something related to that day yet it remains stuck on me. Or rather, I am stuck with something I've been praying for God to take away. It scares me and brings me great sorrow yet it lingers that I thought it'd be best to take things into my hands and remove what I have real control of.

I was close to finalizing a decision this afternoon, even if it's not that date. But I remembered GOT7's comeback.

January 20, 2025. It's their second comeback since leaving JYPE, and the first after JJ Project completed their mandatory civil service. I don't want to miss that comeback.

How amazing that for the nth time, GOT7 is the reason I have to stay alive. Though the previous times were because of individual members. I remember when I processed BamBam for his Departure formalities, I felt reborn. Alive and energetic. Amusing how personally relatable his RIBBON song has become.

So yes. I have to stay literally alive for and until GOT7 comeback next month.

Now Playing: GOT7 - Ecplise

2024. Year End Thoughts, part 1

2024. What a year! It flew so fast. I can still vividly remember our team's Christmas Party last year. And now I'm about to prepare auditing this year.

Tomorrow I am scheduled for another one-on-one with my mentor. Truth be told, I've been feeling anxious about this meeting, even before I asked him for the appointment. Year-end evaluation has always been one of those things that trigger my cortisol. But I have to face it. I need to know from an objective third party source how I have progressed since last year.

Hey! I should be grateful. I now have a third party source to help me evaluate myself. TYL!

This year has been a roller coaster. But that simply means I have been alive; that I lived this year. And that also means I made it up to this moment alive.

I wonder how 2024 has been with other people. What are the new things in their lives?  I'm talking about growth. Are they still hoping or complaining about the same things? I'm quite curious to know.

Burning

These days have been driving me crazy. There are things I want but couldn't pursue as the primary and basic pre-requisite is missing. I could barely "feel" still because of it. It's a tug of war between being still and acting on faith.

As a person of faith, I am fully aware that things happen with the Lord's permission. So for that we can rest with hope and peace. And yet, it is equally important to remember that faith without works is dead. Faith does not equate to laziness. Far from it!

A lot of times I would wonder how much am I missing out because I haven't gone the extra mile, or because I am not even doing the bare minimum..

Tasukete kudasai.

Unit N

I found a new place to stay near NAIA. Well, I haven't settled in yet but I'm asking my roomie if I could do it tomorrow. I'll just bring the stuff I need for the weekend then take other stuff after. I'm really trying to avoid the traffic and wanna make sure that I don't get another SL. I asked for this shift and I want to make sure I'm doing by best here. And I thank the good Lord for the green light.

Another thing that I am thankful for is my roomie herself. She seems professional and neat. I need someone like that. It's tough finding someone that's easy to deal with when you're a bit of oc-oc.

I remember other people telling me to go for Beacon or the Asian Mansion. Both are nice in terms of proximity to particular places I want to go to but sharing a space with a lot of people is tough.

Anyway, I've prayed for today and I believe I got the answer. And I thank the good Lord for a new start.

Makati resident no more. For now..

Now Playing: Chris Tomlin - We Fall Down

Saturday

The sun hasn't even risen yet but I already encountered Murphy's Law. And yet again in the afternoon. It was so annoying. But I had to deal with it. Such encounters were all my fault, unfortunately.

Thankfully, I saw my 3 favourite car brands. Number one even showed up twice. I feel like God has redeemed this day. And for that I feel at peace and grateful.

Now Playing: BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko

Wednesday Thoughts

For some reason I find fulfillment at the thought that I've done some laundry today, both having a new or recent batch and putting away those I had two days ago. I wonder why but finding oneself responsible for a task or two gives a different kind of peace of mind.

Because the truth is, right now my mind is going haywire for the lack of structure. I need to get things done but I can't seem to do it properly. I can't even get started. I've been too preoccupied with something and I really, really want to seal that goal. Please, LORD.

By the way, I am really satisfied with how my hair has been behaving since after taking a shower. I hope I can keep this style at work, and maybe during business meetings. And with that I want to keep growing my hair. I think it's been healthy enough lately that I can avoid the bruha look. But then there's hairfall. Perhaps it's because of stress. I should add more collagen in my diet.

Right now I am thinking of pressing my clothes. There's just a lot in my head. My goodness..
- Exercise and workout. Gym enrollment, perhaps?
- BYOB. Let's save money and guarantee healthy meals
- T.A. I need to submit it this Saturday!!
- Medical certificate
- Professional consultation
- Wisdom teeth extraction
- Dental consult
- Going solo HMO?
- Personal style
- New space. Studio or room with common CR & kitchen?
- Finances
- Business, of course. Definitely!

With all these thoughts, no wonder it's quite a challenge for me to gain weight. But the mass I want is muscle. Definitely need to keep the ones I have, maintain them, and add more. My body fat percentage has been freaking me out.

Now Playing: YUI - Good-bye Days

Lost

The past days and those to come are like the weather these days. Dark and gloomy.

I've been trying to find the reason to be excited again. But it's not easy. What's more difficult is the fact that I could not just do as I wish. Though I would like to say I have no one, that's not true. Someone watches over me, but He has been too silent. Silent in a way that He works in unseen ways. I could only take the next visible step ahead of me.

I still feel burdened with no idea how to protect those around me. How can I even actually protect myself and keep my integrity? How am I to continue fulfilling my filial duty? How am I to play this role given me at birth? And where do I go from here?

Now Playing: Jackson Wang - Drive You Home (acoustic version)

Anxiety

I was having a GERD episode yesterday, which actually felt like an impending heart attack. And that gave me anxiety. Then the anxiety made the feeling of doom worse. I kind of worried that it would lead to that. My physical heart may be doing well, but my troubles keep mounting and I have no way out so it might not be impossible to suffer from angina.

But thinking about it, I wondered if I should sign an DNO notice.

This morning I've been wondering, what makes me excited? What makes me feel alive? What makes me look forward to experiencing it? And I wondered, how do people keep going? How do they get out of their rut?

And to those people of faith, how do they act on the word of God? But before that, how do they hold on to the word of God? I know God is faithful and true, but I can't seem to see the light.

If only I am the only suffering in the wilderness, in the desert, wherever it may be away from people. I think that would be fine. But other people get to suffer too. They get to be collateral damage. I don't know how to seek help. If there is healing for me.

I just pray that the Lord's hands would not be heavy against me. I can only take so much and I don't know what these are all for.

Not knowing if I am still of value, if I can still add value to others just keep my anxiety increasing. And this stress affects my stomach, triggering my tummy problems especially GERD. Then it makes the next or coming days worse. Such a heartbreaking cycle.

Now Playing: Lala Hsu - Hard to Get Love