Scared

I'm scared. I don't know how to navigate this life anymore. Been feeling abandoned these past weeks. If it wasn't for one particular person who took pity on me, I would've probably surrendered and succumbed into the abyss.

I'm scared. I don't know if I'm still doing things right. If I am still doing the right thing. I'm scared that I don't know where to go. And I don't know how to take the steps. And I don't know who to ask for help.

I'm scared I'd totally give up on hope. I'm scared I'd do crazy things, ones that would bring bad reputation to others.

I'm scared I might not be able to keep on living. Existing, yes. But to live and be alive, I don't know anymore. I feel so trapped... in a family only because they are blood kins, in a workplace only because I have no other option. And the one I've been hoping to help me out isn't kicking off, neither is it being actually profitable right now. I feel trapped in a place because God keeps me in.

I am scared to move because despite knowing where to go, the roads are just messy. And whenever the way gets better, nothing leads anywhere.

I am scared to know that I am here on earth only to pay other people's debts, to suffer in their behalf, or to suffer with them. I'm afraid that I might no longer know myself.

I'm scared I'm actually missing out on my potential. Everyone sure does have it, but I feel like I've been cursed to  reach mine. I'm scared I can't fight my way out of this.

I'm scared I might go back abandoning reason and my personal values, my faith. I'm scared that even if I want to and try to leave this earth again, I might not succeed like before. And I'm scared if I do succeed, it will leave questions that won't do any good to an institution that is so good. And I don't want to leave yet without paying what I owe.

I'm afraid I can't die yet and will have to suffer for another long time.

I'm afraid I'd totally forget that God is good and has always been good to me.

Now Playing: Rosi Golan - You and I