Back in the Abyss

I'm still nursing myself from this abyss and it's getting more challenging as the days go by. The whole system is also out of whack. Sleep, since time immemorial, imposes a continuous challenge. And I need it the most nowadays for proper recuperation. It's stressing me out.

I haven't been watching dramas lately, though I really want to watch Yumi's Cells 2 but it's not available in legal platforms in my country. Annoying. Sometimes I watch Overlord, a Chinese costume drama. Recently I found out that Dilireba has a new drama - The Blue Whisper - but I'm only past the pilot episode. Dilreba Dilmurat is one of my favourite actors and I am particularly inclined to watch her fantasy/costume dramas so being unable to continue her recent one right away just says a lot about my current state.

With how things are going since a month or two ago, I'm kind of anxious when the night is approaching. Most of the time, I find myself lacking sleep, missing meals on time, and having unusual symptoms - back pain, headache, stomach pain, and dizziness - with the last two being the most prominent. And these past couple of days, I think I'm experiencing joint pains at night. Talk about ageing. Or maybe it was because of those stir-fry tofu.

I really hope I could recover fast and get back on my feet. It's troublesome and has affected my work. I've been calling in sick a lot. Wouldn't be surprised if my cortisol level is causing haywire in my system. Thankfully, I believe, I'm already past the desire to "cross the bridge" though I'm kind of an empty shell whenever I'm in the abyss. Well, I could only hope for the best.

Music: Lovi Poe - Under

Caffeine Surge

Haven't had coffee or anything with caffeine these past 10 days that my first intake gives me an unusual anxiety. At least it's only physical, though it may have been aggravated by my current thoughts and emotions.

I actually have to drink osmanthus tea to calm myself. This new favourite drink somehow soothes me, though I'm not sure if it actually has that effect or if it's just personal. I love sipping a hot osmanthus tea, which I usually brew with butterfly pea and honey. I'm having a plain one this time. This anxiety feels a little urgent. Or maybe I'm just being lazy.

It doesn't help that I haven't read from Mo Dao Zu Shi manhua's the current The Untamed episode that I am watching. And I don't remember this in the donghua. So the live-action was adapted from the novel. Now I'm a little itchy to read it. I hope it's available in WebNovel.

Reminds me though, perhaps the T2 matrix also keeps me tachycardic. I initially thought my duty will start on the 18th. Good thing I check our Viber group and found out I'm off for work tomorrow. No wonder the shuttle service schedule didn't match, with what I thought. I was hoping I could sleep late again tonight. Okay, I didn't sleep late. I actually slept a little past 4 o'clock. Talk about supposed normalizing my body clock. Perhaps I could learn from Lan Wangji.

I wonder what's in store at the borders tomorrow. By the way, my caffeine induced anxiety still lingers.

Now Playing: Do As Infinity - Fukai Mori

Catch Up Sleep

It's not uncommon for IOs to have irregular body clock, especially during this ECQ days. NAIA Terminals 2 and 3 are closed so we've been all assigned to T1. Given that there's not much flights, we're on skeletal work force. I don't know with those from other terminals but as for us from T2, we have  3 days work then 2 days off in total. How that's distributed varies. Thankfully for me, it was 3-2 recently. Meaning, I get 2 days off ahead before T1 changes terminal-admin.

Working first then take my leave off duty is my cup of tea. But as I just finished my shift yesterday, I felt I had to catch up with sleep. My intention was only to take a nap, two hours the most. As I've been sleep deprived recently, I went on 5 hours of sleep, which is just an hour more than my average regular sleep.

Of course I skipped dinner albeit unintentionally,  but I had a midnight meal of instant rice meal - a Thai Red Curry, which I never thought existed.

I haven't gone back to sleep yet since my waking up from my "supposed" nap. It'd be nice to have a normal and healthy sleep pattern. Besides the basic benefits, I need to get rid of my eyebags. I look like a panda minus the cuteness.

Now Playing: Cocco - Raining

ECQ S3

I've finally completed my duty for ECQ Season 3. The Enhanced Community Quarantine in Metro Manila has been extended twice that some end up calling it seasons. I like the idea, making this grave situation a little light when referred to.

Right now, everyone from T2 are only awaiting for the season finale. Not sure if there'll be season 4. Though it's not unlikely, I hope there will be no more.

Two days ago, all flights beginning 8AM were supposed to be cancelled. But a Bahrain flight made it out of the country. They have proper endorsement. Just thought it was weird and... well.

Yesterday I was one of those posted at NAIA 2 to conduct the Arrival Formalities of repatriated Filipinos from Madrid.

Today, I was back on Departure Formalities, processing two pilots and one BM. The first two were for a cargo flight while the last was on board JetStar. I dunno how we got to process a commercial flight despite the notice. But there we were.

Been sleep deprived during these duty days so I am thankful that I don't have to wake up early tomorrow. Not like the usual, but I still have to wake up before sunrise.

Now Playing: One OK Rock - The Beginning

Slept Like a Baby

So I happened to sleep for 9 straight hours. Wow! 😱 That's a very rare feat because I usually sleep around its square root on a regular basis, even less specially when I have to work the following day.

I sleep a little before 6 o'clock yesterday then woke up less than a quarter before four o'clock this morning. Now I can actually quote McCoy. 

I only woke up because my bladder was getting full. I got hints from my dream plus 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep would definitely and thankfully get my kidneys sufficient time to do their filtering works. Thank You, LORD.

Forced Monday morning jog

Waking up on a Monday morning from at least six hours of sleep was lovely. I even wanted to hug my kidneys for doing their job pretty well. Perhaps my kidneys were the ones that would want to hug me for giving my body a very much needed at least six straight hours of sleep. It's just four hours most of the time.

It's not every morning that I get to have a chance to enjoy sunrise while jogging so when I felt lazy to get up and hit the valley, I had to force myself. I had to seize the opportunity. Besides, I didn't want to give an inch to laziness when it comes to fitness.

I may have been "working out" indoors but getting outdoors is equally important. I need Vitamin D from a just risen sun while sweating.

Discipline pays.

I'm glad to have pushed myself because I realized that it's been quite I while since I saw the trees in our valley a little after sunrise. It's usually during almost sunset. Besides, fresh air! Hello, oxygen!

My next morning jog will be tomorrow since I don't have work tonight (November 1). Can't wait!

Now Playing: Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You

Flat Tummy Tips

1- Been doing that. I’ll just have to drink more.

2- Okay. Five small meals.

3- All right.

4- I’ve started a daily (indoor) exercise. I guess I’ll keep that scheduled.

5- I eat big.

6- I’ll keep that in mind.

7- Gotta go to the beach.

8- Yes!

9- I rarely eat sweets.

10- Will do more, yes.

11- Okay, I will include reverse sit-ups.

12- I can’t skip breakfast. Or any meal.

13- Yes!

14- UGH! I only get 4 straight hours, average.

15- I drink alcohol as often as the Olympics or World Cup.

16- This means less processed food.

17- It’s like telling me to avoid my shadow.

18- I’d love to do that.

19- Wookies!

20- I’m not fond of soda.

21- I can’t do that. I mean, I can’t starve myself.

22- Yup! My other focus are arms and thighs recently.

23- Five servings? Quite a lot. Oh well..

24- Fibre!

25- I don’t have a ball. Gotta look for some alternative.

26- I’ve been planking a lot lately.

27- Okay. *writes leg lifts*

28- I will climb stairs.

29- I’ll skip this one though.

30- YES!

Shana Tova!

I wanted to start this month with an entry that is happy and delightful, so I guess before I start with the actual one I'll make a greeting since it's Rosh Hashanah.

The thing is, things have gone grey. Last night, of all nights, was particularly stressful that I've spent the following hours either thinking of what happened or trying to divert my thoughts. Well, there were also other things that I thought of and did.

The whole day got me suffering from a severe headache that I'm not sure anymore which possible factors actually triggered it. Or perhaps, all of them contributed - physical, emotional, mental - all these stress factors.

What a life.

Most of the time these past days, my thoughts were primarily dwelt on how to get some sleep so I could recover and rejuvenate. Last Sunday in particular, I thought flu bug was underway that I pushed myself to get as much sleep as possible. I got eight hours, thankfully.

Hopefully, things will get better. If I'd have it my way, I'd be so introverting that I'd probably show up on the next Rosh Hashanah.

Now Playing: Chequerboard - Opening the Gates

Snake, snake, snake...

31 July 2016

So I dreamed of a snake in my dream, one massive cobra to be exact.

At first I thought it was dead when I stumbled upon it. I thought it died of chocking from eating a... cat. The mammal was still halfway inside the giant snake. And judging from its head, the snake seemed to be a cobra. One very dark cobra. I even walked beside it, at least twice.

The second time I took a look at the cobra, I realized that it was still alive. I tried to think how to react properly. I wasn't really afraid, more of a confused. I think I was kicking it because it was moving its head, I thought out of reflex. Seems like it was really moving its head. I'm not sure if I was bitten but it got its mouth on my left leg. I wasn't harmed, perhaps I was able to kick it out.

Thankfully, it wasn't "strong" enough to get up and fight back. Thinking about it, that early dawn dream was all about snakes.

I entered a door made of wood, one that has screen on top. That kind. Then I realized that a snake was trying to enter the room through a hole on the lower part of the door. I tried to push the door close or better say seal it. The snake was still in black colour.

In another room was Tita and some other people I can't remember who. I asked Tita if the snake was already killed, but it seemed like they were still trying to subdue and kill it when I arrived.

There's more to this but I'll have to take time remembering the details first. Nevertheless, I'll just post this.

Now Playing: Flip Grater - Marry Me

More sleep please..

I need to do this. Like right now.

Prior to my shift tonight, I was only able to have around two hours of sleep while having none yesterday. Yes, I haven't slept after leaving work yesterday because I had to meet with someone. I had a couple of nap at work though.

The truth is, naps are not the same as sleep. And sleeping at the right time (and place) is very important.

Because I didn't sleep after my September 27/28 shift, I came in for my 28/29 shift with ineffective faculties. I was not at my best. I wasn't mentally alert and adept. It felt horrible and awful.

Checking myself after my September 28/29 shift, I found myself having a chest pain at around 9AM earlier. It was worth noting given how I've been like lately.

I wish I could sleep for 6-8 straight hours.

Now Playing: Susie Suh - Lucille

Flooded

It's 7:39 AM when I started writing this blog entry. And my head is oozing with ideas. I'm actually flooded with it. 

I got online after waking up and my mind has been thinking of this and that since. Perhaps it has something to do with my 12 hours of sleep.

Can't just stop thinking. It's not really a bad thing but my utmost concern is how to act on them. A lot of my thoughts, like any other, would be better if they are executed. No matter how imperfect. Two things though: 1, I don't know how to start; 2, a thought is easily overwhelmed by at least two others so I can't focus on the execution plan, not to mention the execution itself.

If I were a typical INTP, I would just think and think non-stop. But I also have INTJ tendencies so it's important for me to see things through, to see them become a reality, the concrete way.

Because of this dilemma, I just have to write. I have to let some thoughts out of my head so I end up writing but having already posted two blogs since I woke up is not enough. I could write about other things but I have to stop myself. 

It feels terrible to be "locked" this way.

Now Playing: The Spanish Guitar - Scarborough Fair

12 hours of sleep

I blame the House probe on illegal drug trade in New Bilibid Prison (NBP). Slept later than I should and woke up after 12 hours. Of course I didn't make it to work. Not to mention I'm in Antipolo right now.

This is not the first time I missed work because of sleep. There was even a time when I slept for around 17 hours. I was still working at Hinduja at the time.

Now Playing: The American Dollar - Anything You Synthesize (Ambient)

Sleepless Saturday

I reckon lack of sleep has contributed to my drunken-like approach to a few things. For one, I said or asked something I would normally rather keep to myself. As I've already 'blurted' out, I guess I'll just have to let it go.

There were also a lot of thoughts and questions in my head recently that one way I find to test their relevance was to take risk. So I've taken quite a few risks or rather small steps about three particular things. Just two actually. Again, it's my way of letting things go out of my system.

As to why I once again lacked sleep, Murphy's Law caught up on me yesterday.

First, our associate for the morning shift was absent. She said she's not feeling well. I later found out that she was so stressed the previous day. I can only only imagine. Well, that was not unlikely to happen for those who've only graduated from college after a year or two then put in a work environment like our associate's. Well, our work environment.

Second, because our morning associate was absent it followed that I couldn't just leave especially with the one present just having started for a couple of days. I also found out he has a set of particular tasks albeit not specified. No need though. I'm an INTP so I can quite figure out.

Third, the absent associate had a task that needed follow through for which I was asked to work on. Good thing I didn't have to start from scratch. It's when I quoted Elizabeth Keen. "I hate my job." At least Liz had Tom Keen.

Fourth, after the three events mentioned above, I ended up leaving the office at almost noon, which was the supposed meeting time with my GC friends. It's been 7 years since the last time we saw each other in person.

7 years. And we're only meeting again because one of our friend's birthday. I thought I'm not gonna miss that. And I did not. Never mind sleep. I'm glad I risked it. I'll write about it some other time though.

Now Playing: Niklas Aman - Send Receive

Wide Awake

I haven't slept yet since today's sunrise. Not really that I can't sleep or having those usual insomnia episodes. I'm simply having a hyperactive brain today. It's on non-stop thinking and musings that sleep suddenly became non-existent.

Well, I haven't really tried hitting the sack because I know I'll just go tossing and turning in my bed (cue: JLo's Waiting for Tonight). I tried to sleep while riding the UV Express from Makati to Antipolo but my obsessive brain just wouldn't stop thinking.

So what was I thinking? A lot.

If I would index the subject of my thoughts, each letter of the alphabet would have sub-topics and each sub-topic would lead to at least two options. I just learned to avoid going beyond three options because it would just go infinitely.

Basically, being an INTx explains everything. I can switch to -Perceiving and -Judging. C'est la vie. C'est moi.

The sun is about to set so I have to wrap my random research. That means from being INTP, I have to turn into INTJ now just so I'd feel less guilty. This reminds me that I have to exert more effort to highlight my strengths and work on my weaknesses.

But my brain... my thoughts... Gotta force myself into being INTJ.


Now Playing: Paramore - CrushCrushCrush

Alteration in sleep pattern r/t... work sched

I can't stay this way. Albeit having sleeps during day time, my body still longs for night time sleep. I don't usually get straight hours of sleep. And when I do, they happen at night. 

This is not healthy. Something needs to be done the soonest time possible.Or I'll end up going to work looking forward to going back home to sleep. :(

16 hours: pro bono

July 20/21

It just came on a time when I was alone during the shift and had a due date to meet. That meant the shift's deliverables, there were eight but I missed one, and my personal submission due this day were all on me. The shift's deliverables were mentioned here so let me unload here what came after sunrise.

As it was already Thursday, I had to submit a particular multi-regional risk assessment report. I think I was able to complete it within a pretty decent amount of time. It may seem extended because I just couldn't go full blast. I had to take lots of pauses. I was close to being dysfunctional. That's exaggerated of course, but sort of.

I left the office a little past two o'clock. And that's the story of my 24-hour staying up awake.

Seems like my brain is having an extended period of exhaustion. Can't go any further. I need a good stimulus.

16 hours of work: original shift

I've been up for 24 hourse last Wednesday because I had to extend work at the office until 2PM the following day. Shoot! I've worked for 16 hours straight. That's double shift minus 'lunch' breaks. My breaks were short and intermitent because I was chasing submission deadlines, which are the following (in random):

• 1 regional journal
• 1 regional daily report
• 3 sets of SMS news briefs, each with assessment and analysis
• 1 general email news brief
• 1 regional email news brief
• Luzon and Visayas weekly risk assessment report

Taking 'lunch' breaks on my new shift is not my thing. I just go working. Breaks, as mentioned, are short and intermittent. But my July 20/21 shift was a a witch. I was alone that night having had to handle all the deliverables. I wasn't complaining except for the stress that's been stressing me out. I wrote about such moment on my previous blog entry. Because it was too much.

To describe the witch that my shift has been, I was feeling light-headed and just very uncomfortable. It's like having a restless leg syndrome but involving the entire body. It was either I had to take a jog or a nap to get rid of the feeling. The former's unlikely because that would take some time out from work and it felt like my body could hardly handly any external force, either from the inside or out.

So taking a nap seemed to be the logical option. As mentioned in A Little Break for the Brain, I've learned to take breaks. Perhaps because I just couldn't do anything else but yield.

Unfortunately, this happened:

Awesome, right? Never thought my INTP/J-ness would be extended in my nap. It was annoying. But I think I still had enough 'power nap' albeit very short and intermittent. Perhaps my physical body just needed a break regardless how short. Perhaps elevating my lower extremeties also helped. Seems like my head just needed some oxygenated blood.

After deciding that I just had to go back working after getting "traumatized" by my subconscious, things seemed to have gone smooth. And I was working on assessment and analysis on at least 3 things. None came back for revision. Thank God!

I only missed the last two deliverables on the above-list when my original shift was over. I decided to ditch the regional news brief because I had to get started with the Luzon-Visayas thing. I also knew that I couldn't go back full blast if I don't take a break so I was "cooling down" before "warming up" again.

For all that happened overnight, I'm glad to have made it out alive.

Now Playing: Susie Suh - In the Moonlight

Migraine risks

Nx Dx: Alteration in sleep pattern r/t changes in ADL secondary to reassigned work schedule

Now that got me wondering. Will Ms. Walde (my college professor) accept such diagnosis? Losh!

Well it's true, I am having changes in my sleep pattern, not to mentioning difficulties actually sleeping. As a result, migraine paid me a visit. It was last Friday when I was alone during the graveyard shift. Good heavens. My head felt like it could split into pieces. Migraine headaches are just wicked.

Pain scale? 12/10. And I am one who's supposed to have a high pain tolerance. Well, I usually back off when it's stomachache and/or migraine. They're witches!

Worried  that I'd have another migraine episode during the coming days, I decided to ditch work on my Saturday/Sunday shift. Weekends are usually a breather so I thought I could 'leave' my shift partner, lest I get to be absent during a weekday. Heavens forbid! Besides, my lack of sleep is getting worse that I'd be at risk of going by my id, kind of acting on "basic instincts," which is unhealthy both to myself and to anyone I might show this to. I'm a choleric-melancholic and an INTP with 1-3% chances of going INTJ.

I kind of recovered now but I still need to sleep.

Now Playing: Susie Suh - Shell

Lucille...

It seems like I have to review the coping as well as defense mechanisms known to mankind. I also have to choose those that suit me. *sigh*

If only healthy and productive, I would opt to just sleep and sleep. A lot of things are getting too much for me albeit my compartmentalization methods. But I do need sleep. Lots of it.

Truth be told, I would rather deal with babies and toddlers and pre-schoolers as well as senior citizens than emotions. For a choleric and an INTP/INTJ, such is too much. My hypothalamus could explode of over stimulus. Dealing with mine is easy, for there is very little existing to begin with, but facing others' is... This makes me admire those who can handle a myriad of emotions.

I have to sing. Lucille, you know how I feel... ♫♫

May 31.

This sums up what happened on the last day of May.