"Don't be afraid."

A particular fear and anxiety is lurking in my head. Yes, they're one and the same so it's "is" my friend. I am embarking on a new path and I don't know how things are going to unfold. Trauma and such especially limiting beliefs are really bothering me.

But as I've been trying to calm myself, I stumbled upon a message sent to me by my mentor. It was for a different event or situation but somehow it brought me to a recurring rhema I got early this year. It's not really a rhema-rhema but rather a command to obey. Whose command? God's of course. "Do not be afraid" has been spoken by God too many times in this history of mankind, and even repeatedly to particular people.

I need to remind myself that I am in a walk in my life where I am left with nothing but keeping my faith in God, that it trust and obedience. In addition to this, it seems like my journey to healing and recovery will not be a walk in the park. It's really far from it.

But what can I do? The God I know is in control of everything. There's nothing I can really do to resist forces beyond me. C'est la vie.

Now Playing: Zhang Bichen - 光的方向

Unwell

It's day-2 of my troublesome headache. I still wonder what caused it. Though I've been pretty sleepless these past day, coming from change of shift as I am back to SR, I dare say I had good sleep the past night.

As of the moment, there's no headache episode. Thankfully. But I woke up this morning with it until I arrived in Makati.

Also, I had another panic attack last night. I was feeling uneasy but it turned into tachycardia and tachypnea when a fellow associate was putting his hand in fist form on my shoulder. Thinking about it, I must've felt like my personal space was invaded. I tried to avoid the first attempt but there was a second and a third, which really made me felt uncomfortable.

I don't mind when some people become quite touchy, but only if they've established enough rapport. I do not discriminate among genders, but I must really feel comfortable with someone to let them into my personal space, especially when it comes to physical proximity.

Anyway, the last time before last night that I had panic attack was last Saturday. I was heading to the big room when it hit me. I had to go down and manage my hyperventilation. I stayed in the building as I was planning to go back to the 9/F but my hyperventilation kept on for an hour. I think it didn't even fully subsided when I was heading home.

Speaking of going home, I was thinking it would've been better for me if I went straight home to rest. I asked if there was a training that day, for which I was told there was at 3pm. My bad, I should've asked if there's a training I could attend. My lack of clarity in my inquiry led me to waste time and suffer a panic attack.

But making the most of situation, I just took it as another day of self awareness. That I could get into a panic attack, which proven true as I just had one last night. There was also the realization that these episodes will become part of my life now until professionally addressed so I will just have to deal with it and manage it properly. How? I still don't know. I'll just compare "notes" from last Saturday and yesterday.

It's good to know that when I couldn't help but manage my hyperventilation with a paper bag, I was with Mentors Mayan and Renzo, it didn't feel too awkward and a big deal. Grateful that the latter is a Psychology grad and has better understanding of how to deal with people in situations. And as always, Mentor Mayan is someone who can always make you feel at ease and comfortable.

C'est la vie. C'est mon vie.

Now Playing: Hillsong United - Lead Me to the Cross

Anxiety

I was having a GERD episode yesterday, which actually felt like an impending heart attack. And that gave me anxiety. Then the anxiety made the feeling of doom worse. I kind of worried that it would lead to that. My physical heart may be doing well, but my troubles keep mounting and I have no way out so it might not be impossible to suffer from angina.

But thinking about it, I wondered if I should sign an DNO notice.

This morning I've been wondering, what makes me excited? What makes me feel alive? What makes me look forward to experiencing it? And I wondered, how do people keep going? How do they get out of their rut?

And to those people of faith, how do they act on the word of God? But before that, how do they hold on to the word of God? I know God is faithful and true, but I can't seem to see the light.

If only I am the only suffering in the wilderness, in the desert, wherever it may be away from people. I think that would be fine. But other people get to suffer too. They get to be collateral damage. I don't know how to seek help. If there is healing for me.

I just pray that the Lord's hands would not be heavy against me. I can only take so much and I don't know what these are all for.

Not knowing if I am still of value, if I can still add value to others just keep my anxiety increasing. And this stress affects my stomach, triggering my tummy problems especially GERD. Then it makes the next or coming days worse. Such a heartbreaking cycle.

Now Playing: Lala Hsu - Hard to Get Love

Caffeine Surge

Haven't had coffee or anything with caffeine these past 10 days that my first intake gives me an unusual anxiety. At least it's only physical, though it may have been aggravated by my current thoughts and emotions.

I actually have to drink osmanthus tea to calm myself. This new favourite drink somehow soothes me, though I'm not sure if it actually has that effect or if it's just personal. I love sipping a hot osmanthus tea, which I usually brew with butterfly pea and honey. I'm having a plain one this time. This anxiety feels a little urgent. Or maybe I'm just being lazy.

It doesn't help that I haven't read from Mo Dao Zu Shi manhua's the current The Untamed episode that I am watching. And I don't remember this in the donghua. So the live-action was adapted from the novel. Now I'm a little itchy to read it. I hope it's available in WebNovel.

Reminds me though, perhaps the T2 matrix also keeps me tachycardic. I initially thought my duty will start on the 18th. Good thing I check our Viber group and found out I'm off for work tomorrow. No wonder the shuttle service schedule didn't match, with what I thought. I was hoping I could sleep late again tonight. Okay, I didn't sleep late. I actually slept a little past 4 o'clock. Talk about supposed normalizing my body clock. Perhaps I could learn from Lan Wangji.

I wonder what's in store at the borders tomorrow. By the way, my caffeine induced anxiety still lingers.

Now Playing: Do As Infinity - Fukai Mori