"Don't be afraid."

A particular fear and anxiety is lurking in my head. Yes, they're one and the same so it's "is" my friend. I am embarking on a new path and I don't know how things are going to unfold. Trauma and such especially limiting beliefs are really bothering me.

But as I've been trying to calm myself, I stumbled upon a message sent to me by my mentor. It was for a different event or situation but somehow it brought me to a recurring rhema I got early this year. It's not really a rhema-rhema but rather a command to obey. Whose command? God's of course. "Do not be afraid" has been spoken by God too many times in this history of mankind, and even repeatedly to particular people.

I need to remind myself that I am in a walk in my life where I am left with nothing but keeping my faith in God, that it trust and obedience. In addition to this, it seems like my journey to healing and recovery will not be a walk in the park. It's really far from it.

But what can I do? The God I know is in control of everything. There's nothing I can really do to resist forces beyond me. C'est la vie.

Now Playing: Zhang Bichen - 光的方向

2024. Year End Thoughts, part 2

These past days have brought me roller coaster of emotions. I'm honestly having a hard time mastering them. And since yesterday I think, I've been preoccupied with a particular recurrence. Today felt like a standstill because I know I'm not in my right mind concerning this preoccupation, thus I need to soothe myself.

But my troubles have been too persistent that I even thought of a date to execute something. And such date is not too far ahead. And when I wondered why I chose that date, I could only think of anger and grief. I'm too angry with my recent decisions and actions that I want to severely punish myself. As for grief, it's because I've been asking and praying for something related to that day yet it remains stuck on me. Or rather, I am stuck with something I've been praying for God to take away. It scares me and brings me great sorrow yet it lingers that I thought it'd be best to take things into my hands and remove what I have real control of.

I was close to finalizing a decision this afternoon, even if it's not that date. But I remembered GOT7's comeback.

January 20, 2025. It's their second comeback since leaving JYPE, and the first after JJ Project completed their mandatory civil service. I don't want to miss that comeback.

How amazing that for the nth time, GOT7 is the reason I have to stay alive. Though the previous times were because of individual members. I remember when I processed BamBam for his Departure formalities, I felt reborn. Alive and energetic. Amusing how personally relatable his RIBBON song has become.

So yes. I have to stay literally alive for and until GOT7 comeback next month.

Now Playing: GOT7 - Ecplise

Wednesday Thoughts

For some reason I find fulfillment at the thought that I've done some laundry today, both having a new or recent batch and putting away those I had two days ago. I wonder why but finding oneself responsible for a task or two gives a different kind of peace of mind.

Because the truth is, right now my mind is going haywire for the lack of structure. I need to get things done but I can't seem to do it properly. I can't even get started. I've been too preoccupied with something and I really, really want to seal that goal. Please, LORD.

By the way, I am really satisfied with how my hair has been behaving since after taking a shower. I hope I can keep this style at work, and maybe during business meetings. And with that I want to keep growing my hair. I think it's been healthy enough lately that I can avoid the bruha look. But then there's hairfall. Perhaps it's because of stress. I should add more collagen in my diet.

Right now I am thinking of pressing my clothes. There's just a lot in my head. My goodness..
- Exercise and workout. Gym enrollment, perhaps?
- BYOB. Let's save money and guarantee healthy meals
- T.A. I need to submit it this Saturday!!
- Medical certificate
- Professional consultation
- Wisdom teeth extraction
- Dental consult
- Going solo HMO?
- Personal style
- New space. Studio or room with common CR & kitchen?
- Finances
- Business, of course. Definitely!

With all these thoughts, no wonder it's quite a challenge for me to gain weight. But the mass I want is muscle. Definitely need to keep the ones I have, maintain them, and add more. My body fat percentage has been freaking me out.

Now Playing: YUI - Good-bye Days