A Fool

A terrible fool, that's what I have been. I don't want to make excuses with whatever is going on inside and out of my personal life, for my actions have yielded to results I am not proud of. And I am utterly disappointed, but at the same time I want to show myself the love and care I need. I do not seek them from anyone but God. So everything is between me and God.

But it hurts me so bad how things have become, for there are people who depend on me. And now they will be, and are, affected.

Redeem me, O LORD. Have mercy on me according to Your lovingkindness, for Your name's sake. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation. Let me live, for the dead will not praise You. And let me live with dignity. May people bless Your name when they remember me.

Save me, O God.

"Simple Celebration"

I've just read from someone's FB MyDay story about "simple celebration" for his mother's birthday. Then it hit me.. when did I last make a celebration? When did I last celebrated my birthday?

I would always thank God on my birthday, because He allowed me to live another day, another year. But as I think about it, seems like I've been doing that out of obligation. It's like, "yeah, I'm still alive so thank You."

I am sorry, LORD. Please restore to me the joy of Your salvation.

"Don't be afraid."

A particular fear and anxiety is lurking in my head. Yes, they're one and the same so it's "is" my friend. I am embarking on a new path and I don't know how things are going to unfold. Trauma and such especially limiting beliefs are really bothering me.

But as I've been trying to calm myself, I stumbled upon a message sent to me by my mentor. It was for a different event or situation but somehow it brought me to a recurring rhema I got early this year. It's not really a rhema-rhema but rather a command to obey. Whose command? God's of course. "Do not be afraid" has been spoken by God too many times in this history of mankind, and even repeatedly to particular people.

I need to remind myself that I am in a walk in my life where I am left with nothing but keeping my faith in God, that it trust and obedience. In addition to this, it seems like my journey to healing and recovery will not be a walk in the park. It's really far from it.

But what can I do? The God I know is in control of everything. There's nothing I can really do to resist forces beyond me. C'est la vie.

Now Playing: Zhang Bichen - 光的方向

Joshua

I think I got excited before my OP appointment for C' Charlez earlier. Because I was reading stuff about the gemstone Ruby then from scrolling online, I stumbled upon a command to obey that I turned into a promise to claim.

OMG. The song that's randomly playing atm is One OK Rock's CLOCK STRIKES. In some of its lines it says: I'll always be here / Believe it till the end // I won't go away and won't say never.

How reassuring.

Poor Mindset Trait: Ungratefulness

There are a lot of qualities that can be described for someone with poor mindset. That person doesn't have to be in terrible lack. And most of the time, that's the case.

I've realized that ungratefulness is one of the traits of someone with poor mindset. For sure, the good LORD has provided us with at least something to meet one of our needs. And I stick with my firm belief on the parable of talents.

If we can't be trusted with little things, how can we be trusted with bigger things?

I recently encountered such example. Perhaps this person grew up with or was raised by someone the same... Concerned for this person's well being, I asked what he had *toot* the previous day. He said he had none. When I asked why, he said because there's nothing to make for *toot*. And I was surprised that he indeed got such mentality from the person who raised him. I was also surprised because  there was this and that and some of those. All he had to do was gather them and make something out of them.

Still in wonder, I asked what he wanted to *toot* and was told he wanted this. Deep inside my first thought was, "You are already poor and yet you are still being choosy." It wasn't the first time this happened. And it happened a number of times when he was with the person who raised him. Nurture vs. Nature. Imagine if both were present at the same time.

Sometimes we want bread, but we only have some flour and salt. Or maybe we want rice but what we have are other grains. And because they're not what we particularly look for, we don't make a move. We don't make do of what we have.

Thinking of this recent encounter, I got to think what do I have right here and right now with me that I can use to meet the things I need and want? I pray I too am not being ungrateful to the LORD by taking things for granted, by being unfaithful with whatever little I have.

Stewards. That's what we are.

Now Playing: Joshua Aaron, Nizar Francis, Shilo Ben Hod - Gadol Elohai

Anxiety

I was having a GERD episode yesterday, which actually felt like an impending heart attack. And that gave me anxiety. Then the anxiety made the feeling of doom worse. I kind of worried that it would lead to that. My physical heart may be doing well, but my troubles keep mounting and I have no way out so it might not be impossible to suffer from angina.

But thinking about it, I wondered if I should sign an DNO notice.

This morning I've been wondering, what makes me excited? What makes me feel alive? What makes me look forward to experiencing it? And I wondered, how do people keep going? How do they get out of their rut?

And to those people of faith, how do they act on the word of God? But before that, how do they hold on to the word of God? I know God is faithful and true, but I can't seem to see the light.

If only I am the only suffering in the wilderness, in the desert, wherever it may be away from people. I think that would be fine. But other people get to suffer too. They get to be collateral damage. I don't know how to seek help. If there is healing for me.

I just pray that the Lord's hands would not be heavy against me. I can only take so much and I don't know what these are all for.

Not knowing if I am still of value, if I can still add value to others just keep my anxiety increasing. And this stress affects my stomach, triggering my tummy problems especially GERD. Then it makes the next or coming days worse. Such a heartbreaking cycle.

Now Playing: Lala Hsu - Hard to Get Love

Unwell

I'm not sure if the reason I am not feeling well lately is pathological or stressed-induced. As we know, stress does shit to our well being and causes compromised immune system. So right now my left nostril is currently bothered with some drips, a.k.a. snot. Lol. At first I thought it was just the cold but it got persistent even until I got home and when I woke up today.

Speaking of stress, I'm not sure how much has been brought into my system when I found out about something. It was not really stress-stress but I was bothered with what happened. I almost lost something important but someone came to my rescue. And for days I didn't know the details. It was like a miracle. Though such still exists, God uses people to carry it out. So when I finally found out, I was totally surprised. Because why bother?

And what came after was witnessing two people's true colours. Someone, once again, showed up someone after recognition. I think to deal with this person, it's got to be something out in the open. Meanwhile, the other one is sincere. Unexpectedly generous.

Despite not liking the first one for things I've experienced, even from before, there is no condemnation. I only have to be cautious, and/or maybe be more profitable. Perhaps I could come close if such were the case.

Right now I am still feeling unwell. The snot is getting tolerable. There's always tissue. But the mental and emotional stress are really weighing me down. I don't know where and how to get started, or go back on track. 

They said that, "When the why is clear, the how is easy." But I just don't know. The how is fine, but the where is becoming more challenging. If it wasn't for this someone particular who came to my rescue, I'd feel so abandoned. And it's not because of what was done, but rather more of someone's thoughtfulness in doing it.

The burden feels lighter.

And I want to do better. For the sake of what that someone has done for me. For the sake of that person's belief in me. The feeling of abandonment I felt over this weekend because of someone, on top of the other abandoned occasions even from other people, has become negligible. It's easy to dismiss them.

I just pray I can repay someone who came to my rescue. And I pray to be able to do better, to have the strength to carry on these coming days, and have the drive, at least, to live. To actually live and not just exist. I still don't know how to be excited when I am surrounded with those who have burdened my heart.

At least there's God. For all the questions bothering me about His intent on my whereabouts, I am at ease knowing what had happened last week. And I got surprises yesterday. There is hope.

I am too burdened and unwell with my situation at home and outside. It's easier to let go and just obey God. At the end of the day, my accountability is before Him.

Now Playing: Sanctus Real - Confidence